


I Wish It Was Me

by theFourthofDecember



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Adoption, HIV, Illnesses, M/M, Scared Liv, Scared Robert Sugden, Supportive Rob, being a family, daddy!Robron, vulnerable aaron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 06:46:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 22,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9166768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theFourthofDecember/pseuds/theFourthofDecember
Summary: Aaron gets sick and it changes everything.





	1. I'm fine

“How can life be so cruel Vic?” Robert turned his head to his sister who was sat in silence at the opposite end of the sofa. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” Another futile sob escaped his red eyes. “I can’t live without him Vic. I can’t.” With that she moved swiftly to him and wrapped her arms around him tightly as he broke down in tears.”  
“It’s going to be ok.” She whispered, placing a soft kiss to his hair. “I promise.” She hoped that was the truth.

A month earlier….  
Rob rolled onto his side. Aaron was still asleep. He looked so peaceful. Beautiful Rob thought. Normally it was Aaron who woke first so he took advantage of the situation and just lay there watching his husband breathing in and out and letting the light get brighter outside the window, not worrying about time at all. A long while passed and finally Aaron’s eyes began to flicker open. “Morning.” He spoke, his voice thick with sleep.  
“Morning. I’m not working today. Do you wanna go do something while Liv’s at school?”  
“Why do we have to go anywhere to do something while Liv’s at school?” Aaron raised his eyebrows suggestively which made Rob smile.  
“I love you.”  
“Mm.” Aaron agreed leaning in to kiss is husband.

Aaron and Robert were sat on the sofa watching TV when Liv arrived home. “Alright?” She asked in passing.  
“Yep. We’re going to the pub for tea tonight by the way. I meant to go shopping but I got a bit….distracted.” As he spoke Rob shared a knowing look with Aaron who smirked.  
“I’d really rather not know. I’ll be in my room. Call me when we’re going.”  
“Ok.” Liv stormed off up the stairs. Aaron suddenly started coughing. “Aaron are you alright?” Rob asked clearly concerned. He went quickly to the kitchen to get his husband a glass of water. Aaron took a sip and the coughing fit started to calm. “Have you got a cold or something?”  
“I guess so. I have been feeling pretty tired today.” Robert reached forward and placed a gentle hand on Aaron’s forehead.  
“You’re a bit warm. Stay here I’ll go get you some ibuprofen or something.”

Later Aaron was feeling much better and insisted he was still well enough to go to the pub. He made Rob promise not to tell Chas about his cold or else he’d have her fussing over him and then they set off. When they reached the Woolpack door Aaron began to cough again. He bent over putting his hands on his knees. Rob put his hand on his husbands back and rubbed what he hoped were soothing circles as Aaron struggled to control his chest. “I’m sorry.” Aaron struggled to get out between painful coughs.  
“Don’t be daft. Would you rather just go home? We could order a takeaway. I’m sure Liv wouldn’t mind.”  
“No. We’re here now.” Aaron had stopped coughing and stood up straight again inhaling deeply into his lungs. “Come on.” He led Rob into the pub where Liv was already sat down in one of the booths.  
“I’ll get the drinks.” Rob walked over to the bar trying to forget how clearly unwell Aaron was. 

Half way through their burgers, Aaron caught Rob’s attention when he coughed once. He tried to play it down by smiling at his husband and then mouthing at him – ‘I’m fine’.   
Throughout the rest of the meal Aaron kept trying to hide his coughs. Every time he would fail and every time Rob got more worried. Then he started to notice that Aaron was shivering despite the fact he was wearing two jumpers. Finally Robert decided he had to do something. “That’s it. I’m taking you home right now. You’re clearly not alright.” He threw some money at Liv and told her to settle up for their meals and then he took Aaron’s hand, pulled him out of his seat and led him back home.

At home Rob put the kettle on and told Aaron to go upstairs and get in bed. As he walked to the kitchen he could hear his husband coughing and wheezing as he ascended the stairs. It broke Rob’s heart to see Aaron so ill. It brought back so many bad memories. He just hoped that he would sleep well and feel better in the morning.


	2. You're The Most Important Thing

A week later…  
Aaron pleaded with Rob to let him go to work. He’d been off ever since the day when it all started. Rob had told Aaron to go to the doctor repeatedly but every time his husband would blatantly refuse. He kept saying “It’ll blow over soon” or “It can’t stay much longer” but Rob really wasn’t sure who Aaron was trying to convince as his cough showed no sign of letting up any time soon and he still had episodes where his temperature would spike and he’d lose all energy, forcing him back to bed. “Please Rob, just let me go. I promise I’ll just sit in the portacabin and do the paperwork and I’ll come straight home if I start to feel worse. It’s just….I think if I stay at home one more day I might actually start going mad.”  
“You went mad a long time ago mate.” Rob tried to lighten the mood.  
“Oi!”  
“You’re still not well Aaron. How about you leave it one more day? I’m at meetings all day today. At least if you came back tomorrow I could keep an eye on you.”  
“You’ve been keeping an eye on me for the past week. I’m sure Adam is capable of making sure I’m alright just for one day.” Aaron smiled at his husband and moved closer to him, placing his hands on his waist. “If it makes you happier I’ll only go to the yard for a couple of hours and then I’ll come home.” He looked at Rob, waiting for him to say something.   
Rob wrapped him in a hug and spoke over his shoulder, “Please just be careful, yeah? And if you need to, I don’t care if I’m in a meeting, call me and I can be there in fifteen minutes.”  
“I will.” Aaron pulled back from his husbands arms and walked over to the table where his mug of tea was sitting. His took one final swig, grabbed his jacket and keys and then, just before he left through the front door, he turned and winked at his husband. Rob smiled after him and then continued to ready himself for a busy day of clients

Rob was in his second meeting of the day when his phone rang. “Sorry, I’m gonna have to get this.” He answered the phone walking quickly away from where his client was sat. “Aaron? What is it? Are you alright?”  
“It’s Adam. Aaron’s feeling really bad. He told me to call you. His temperature got really high again a while ago. We’ve tried everything but it’s not going down again. He looks really bad Rob.” Adam sounded so serious it made Robert’s heart flutter with fear.  
“I’m on my way.” 

After briefly making his excuses Rob was on his way to his husband’s side. Panic was rushing through his head and no matter how much he told himself it was all going to be fine he couldn’t calm himself down. All he could think of as sped down the road towards Emmerdale, was Aaron in pain.

A few minutes later Robert pulled up outside the portacabin. He raced inside to see Aaron sat on a chair, head between his knees while Adam knelt beside him talking to him. “Aaron.” Rob spoke, moving over to his husband and taking Adam’s place on the floor next to him. Aaron looked up. His face was red and glistening with sweat. “Blimey. You look like you’ve run a marathon.” Aaron forced a laugh. “I’m taking you to a doctor. I can’t see you like this and not help you Aaron.”  
“You are helping me.” Aaron’s voice was gruff and he coughed when he’d finished speaking. “Please don’t take me to a doctor Rob. You know I hate it. Just take me home. Please.” He stared into Rob’s eyes, begging him almost.   
“Okay.” Robert placed a hand on Aaron’s knee. “Come on. Let’s get you home.” With that Rob stood, putting an arm around Aaron’s shoulders to help him to his feet. They began to make their way to the car.  
“I’m sorry for interrupting your meeting.”  
“I told you I didn’t mind didn’t I? You’re the most important thing.” Rob helped Aaron into the car, then shut the door and walked ‘round to his side. Before he got in he called out his thanks to Adam, who was now stood in the doorway.  
“No problem mate.” Adam replied. “I hope he feels better soon.”  
“So do I.” Rob muttered under his breath as he got into the car and started the ignition. “So do I.”


	3. Believe That Everything Would be Alright

A few days later…  
Since the day at the yard, Aaron appeared to be making a miraculous recovery; still Rob found it difficult to relax. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Aaron was putting on a brave face. Aaron’s cough had almost entirely gone and he was back at work under the watchful eye of Adam. Chas kept popping in to check on him as well. Despite Aaron’s best efforts to keep it from her he knew it wouldn’t be long before news reached her about his condition and she had done after the episode at the scrapyard. 

Rob popped into the portacabin at lunchtime with a coffee and sandwich from the café for Aaron. “Oh hey.” Aaron greeted his husband as he came through the door.  
“These are for you.” Rob said handing Aaron the coffee and sandwich. He perched on the edge of the desk looking at his husband trying to judge if he really was alright.  
Aaron seemed to sense this and said, “Rob, I wish you’d stop worrying. Oh by the way Liv’s going to town later and her and Gabby need a lift back about four but I’ve got a drop off so…”  
“Four. Yeah no problem.”  
“Thank you.” Aaron leaned in and kissed Rob. As he slowly pulled back he smiled deeply at his husband.  
“I’ve got to go. I’ll see ya later.” Rob stood and walked towards the door smiling widely. He turned back. “You’re amazing. You know that don’t you?” Aaron just smiled as Rob opened the door and exited. Maybe Aaron really was getting better. He was right anyway, he needed to stop worrying.

Robert stretched out his arm out in bed. Then awoke with a start when he realised Aaron wasn’t beside him. ‘Don’t panic’ Rob thought to himself. He’s probably just gone to the bathroom. He sat up and spoke out into the silence. “Aaron?” Carefully he pushed himself out of bed. He was already wide awake and his heart was pounding. As he reached the bathroom door he placed his hand flat against the wood and gently pushed it open. His heart sunk when he saw Aaron knelt on the floor, throwing up into the toilet. Rob rushed to kneel down beside him and soothingly rub circles on his husband’s back – just like he done that night outside the Woolpack. “You should’ve woken me.” Aaron put his head down on his forearm. Rob reached over him to get the hand towel hanging beside the sink. He handed it to Aaron who took it gratefully, hastily wiping his mouth on it and then chucking it to the corner of the room. He pulled the flush and then turned to Rob. He looked terrible. He’d been sweating profusely and his pyjama top was wet through in places. He was as pale as a sheet except for his bloodshot eyes. In the darkness of the early hours, Aaron looked so thin and frail. How had Rob not realised how bad it had got? A single tear fell from Aaron’s eye.  
“I’m scared Rob. Why aren’t I getting better? I can’t keep going like this. I can’t…” Aaron broke down in tears and Robert pulled him tightly into an embrace.  
“I know. I know mate.” He whispered. Then he too started to cry. He wanted to be strong for Aaron. He needed to be. But seeing his husband like this was killing him. He just wanted to take the pain away. All he could do way stay there in the darkness clinging to the man he loved more than anything and believe that everything would be alright.


	4. This Nightmare

The next day…  
After the last night it didn’t take too much persuading to get Aaron to agree to Rob taking him to the doctor. They pulled up outside the surgery at just after eight. Rob had booked an emergency appointment. He was prepared for the judgement he’d get for not bringing Aaron in sooner. He realised in daylight just how well Aaron had managed to hide the extent of his sickness recently. As they walked into the waiting room, Rob took Aaron’s hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze knowing just how uncomfortable these surroundings made his husband feel.

They were called through almost immediately and Aaron insisted that Rob stay with him whilst the doctor examined him. After varies tests and a huge lists of questions the diagnosis was given.  
“It’s just a touch of the flu I’m afraid. A very nasty case mind you. Try and drink some sugary drinks to keep your weight up if you can’t eat and dose up on paracetamol to keep the temperature down. If you’re not better in a week, come back.” The doctor, who was a stone-faced middle-aged man with no sense of emotion, spoke very matter-of-factly and then turned back to the paperwork on his desk. Robert didn’t even try and hide his anger as he took Aaron’s hand once more and led him back out of the doctor’s and to his car.  
“Calm down Rob.”  
“Calm down. The man’s a jerk and clearly completely incompetent. This is so obviously more than just flu.”  
“It’s good news if it is just flu though isn’t it? I’ve just got to ride it out.” He kissed Rob on his cheek and then got into the car. Robert took a deep breath and then joined Aaron in the car, turned the key in the ignition and headed for home.

Back at home Rob put the kettle on as Aaron got settled on the sofa with a blanket. Liv came downstairs.  
“Are you still sick then?”  
“Looks like it.” He smiled at his sister.  
“I would give you a hug but I’d really rather not catch it.”  
“Oh yeah especially with this school disco thingy you’re going to next week eh?”  
“Yeah.” Liv said abruptly making it obvious that was not a topic she particularly wanted to discus with her big brother. “I’m going to Gabby’s for tea so I’ll be back about ten.”  
“Eight.” Rob adjusted.  
“Nine-thirty.” She bargained.  
“Eight.”  
“Nine.”  
“Eight.” Rob repeated again.  
“Eight-thirty.” Robert considered for a moment.  
“Fine but no later. It’s a school night.”  
“Okay. See ya later.” She left quickly through the front door before he could change his mind. Rob returned to the sofa with the freshly made mugs of tea to find Aaron asleep. He must have been really tired to have slept through the racket he and Liv had just made. He placed the mugs down on the coffee table and pulled the blanket up over Aaron, covering him properly. Just for a minute he stood there watching his husband sleeping. He thought about how he’d done that just a couple of weeks ago before this nightmare started. He left Aaron sleeping, got his laptop and sat on the armchair where he could keep an eye on him. 

A couple of hours later Rob was still sat in the same position.  
“Rob?” He heard Aaron say. He sounded groggy, probably a mixture of sleep and the drugs that he was so dosed up on. Rob put the laptop down and sprung to his feet. He knelt down in front of Aaron and lifted a hand to stoke a stray hair away from Aaron’s forehead.  
“Yeah, I’m here.” He spoke softly.  
“What time is it?”  
“About twelve.”  
“What at night?” Robert was shocked at Aaron’s disorientation and confusion.  
“No mate. Mid-day. Do you want something to eat?”  
“No. I don’t think I can.”  
“Okay.” Rob leant forward and kissed Aaron’s head as he was already drifting back into sleep. “I love you.” He whispered although he was sure Aaron couldn’t hear him. A tear fell from Rob’s eye as he gently stroked a hand down Aaron’s arm. “I love you so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise this is turning into a bit of a tough read but I'm actually weirdly enjoying writing it so I'm gonna keep going! Thanks for reading.


	5. Aaron, what is it?

A week later…  
“Hey do you wanna do something today?” Aaron asked as he walked into the kitchen. Rob had left him in bed the same way he had done every other day for weeks. Aaron needed his rest. Robert was surprised to see Aaron up so early and not in his pyjamas.  
“Somebody feeling better are they?”  
“Yeah I think I am.” Aaron said with a smile on his face whilst scratching his arm. He walked over to his husband and kissed him and then started to fill the kettle.  
“What kind of thing were you thinking?”  
“We could go watch a movie or summet or we could just go for a drive. I would suggest bowling but I’m not sure my one day of strength will stretch that far.” Aaron joked.  
“Are you sure you’re up to it?”  
“Well we’ll soon find out won’t we?”  
“A movie then? Should I ask Liv if she wants to join us?”  
“Yeah.” Rob was just about to upstairs to Liv when Aaron stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Thank you for being so patient with me.”  
“Are you kidding me? I’m your husband Aaron. In sickness and in health remember?” He leant in and left a lingering a kiss on his husband’s lips and then headed upstairs.

A couple of hours later and the three of them were walking down Hotten highstreet to the cinema. Rob looked over to Aaron who smiled back at him and reached out an arm to hold Rob around his waist as they walked. “What are we watching then?” Liv asked.  
“You can choose.” Aaron replied.  
“What? Seriously? You never let me choose.”  
“Well maybe I’m still a bit off colour.” They all shared a laugh as they entered the cinema.

During the film, Rob would frequently look to Aaron to check if he was still okay. It was hard to see in the dim lighting of the cinema but he could hear Aaron laugh at all the jokes which made him relax a bit. Aaron slipped his hand into Robert’s on the armrest between their seats. They looked at each other and smiled then Aaron turned back to the screen. Rob kept looking at his husband for a moment longer. It was all gonna be alright.

When they got home Rob went over to the shop (with a huge smile on his face) to get something for their tea. He could only have been there for five minutes when Liv came running in with a face like she’d just seen a ghost.  
“Liv what is it?”  
“It’s Aaron! You’ve gotta come quick!” Immediately Rob had dropped the shopping basket and was running back to the house as fast as he possibly could. He went straight through the front door which Liv, in her haste to get to Rob, had left wide open.  
“Aaron!” He called, the fear evident in his voice. He sped into the kitchen where Aaron was sprawled out across the floor. Rob fell to his knees by his husband’s side and with dread in his heart he reached for his wrist and searched for a pulse. He breathed a sigh of relief when he found one. Aaron’s eyes began to open and then he sat up as he began to cough violently. “Liv call an ambulance.”  
“No!” Aaron exclaimed grabbing Rob’s arm.  
“Please Aaron. You’re not well.”  
“No.” Aaron repeated. He looked over to Liv who was stood, face still pale, in the corner of the room. “I’m alright Liv. I’m sorry for frightening you.” She burst into tears and raced up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door. “Rob, go check if she’s okay.” Robert didn’t move. “Please.”  
“What happened Aaron?”  
“I don’t know. I just felt strange all of a sudden and then I must have fainted.” Aaron scratched his side.  
“We need to get you to a doctor.”  
“No Rob!” Aaron shouted in his face and then looked down at his hands in his lap. Robert could sense there was something else his husband wasn’t telling him.  
Cautiously placing a hand on Aaron’s shoulder he spoke softly, “Aaron, what is it?” Aaron looked back at him. Rob could see the pain in his eyes. Aaron put his fingers on the hem of his jumper and slowly began to lift it up and over his head. As he did Rob caught sight of red patches all over Aaron’s chest and arms. As he looked closer and saw that more patches of rash littered his back. “Aaron.” A tear fell from Rob’s eye. He looked at Aaron and saw that he too had begun to cry.  
“I’m so scared Rob. If you take me to the hospital God knows what they’re gonna tell me.”  
“What so you’d rather just not know.” It came out more bluntly than he had intended but in truth he was furious that Aaron hadn’t told him about this hideous new symptom, yet at the same time his heart was breaking for the man sat in front of him. “You told me you were feeling better.”  
“That wasn’t a lie I swear. Please Rob. Just give it a few more days. This might just be the end of the retched thing. Some things get a lot worse before they get better.”  
“No! This is not just ‘some thing’ Aaron. I’m taking to you to the doctor tomorrow end of.”  
“Fine but we’re not having that grump from last time.”  
“Absolutely not. I’ll go check on Liv. Go to bed Aaron. I’ll be there in a minute.” Not wanting to leave any chance of Aaron changing his mind, Rob swiftly stood up and walked out of the room and up the stairs, wiping away his tears as he went.


	6. That Night

Two days later…  
The results of the tests that the doctor had done were still not back and with each hour, let alone day, that passed both Aaron and Robert grew more anxious. Aaron was still very sick and Rob tried his best to keep his husband’s mind elsewhere. They watched movies, played video games and read the latest car magazines to pass the time between Aaron’s naps. Often he would fall asleep on the sofa, leaning against or lying across Robert who would just sit there for hours, gently stroking a hand through Aaron’s hair. It gave Rob some comfort to know that when Aaron was sleeping he was oblivious to the pain and itching which was slowly tearing him apart – not that Aaron would admit it.

That night, Robert woke up at about half one. He rubbed his eyes and looked over to Aaron’s side of the bed but it was empty. He climbed out and walked to the bathroom but Aaron wasn’t in their either. He still wasn’t too worried as lately it wasn’t unusual for Aaron to have trouble sleeping at night. Carefully, so as not to wake Liv, he crept out of their bedroom and down the stairs. Aaron wasn’t in the kitchen or the living room, in fact Rob checked every room in the house – including Liv’s bedroom although it was highly unlikely he’d be in there – but Aaron was nowhere to be found. He slipped out the back door and peered around the garden, phone (with torch shining) in hand. “Aaron.” Robert spoke out into the darkness. His heart began to beat a little faster as panic set in. He went back through the house, this time exiting by the front door. He walked quickly up Main Street, looking all around him. He stopped in the middle of the road. “Aaron, where are you?” He muttered under his breath almost believing that, somehow, his husband would hear him.

He banged on the door of the Woolpack about twenty minutes since he’d first started searching. No one answered so he hammered on the wood again. Chas appeared in a dressing gown, eyes full of tiredness.  
“Robert? What are you doing here?” Her face changed as she realised one possibility. “Is it Aaron?”  
“I woke up and he wasn’t in bed Chas and I can’t find him anywhere.”  
“I’ll come help you look.” She shuffled into some shoes and stepped outside to join Robert, carefully pulling the door closed behind her. They began to walk up the road, scanning their eyes all over the place.  
“Where can he be?”  
“Perhaps he just went for a walk, love.”  
“What at one in the morning when he’s really ill? Something’s wrong Chas. Really wrong. I can just feel it.” They stopped walking as Robert turned to look at his mother in law.  
She looked him straight in the eyes and said, “We’ll find him, love. I promise you we’ll find him.” She looked around for a moment as if considering her next move. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll scout around here a bit more you head up to the cricket pavilion and the top field. He sometimes goes there when he’s upset.” Rob nodded in agreement and set off.

At his fast pace, Rob reached the pavilion in a couple of minutes. He glanced around. Then something caught his eye. He walked forward, heart sinking as he saw Aaron lying, lifeless on the wet ground. He sprang forward onto his knees.   
“Aaron. Aaron can you hear me? Aaron, please.” There was no response. He quickly dialled 999 with his phone that was still clasped tightly in his hand. The tears cascading down Rob’s face made it terribly difficult for him to answer the questions being asked by the calm lady on the other end of the phone. All the time he kept his eyes fixed on Aaron, holding his hand and making the occasional, futile effort to wake him. “Aaron please don’t leave me like this. I love you. Please come back to me.” Alongside the heartbreak, anger started to inch into his mind. What was doing this to Aaron? Why couldn’t the doctor’s help him sooner? The night seemed to swallow the pair up as they waited for the ambulance. A night that Robert would never forget.


	7. No More Secrets

Present day…  
He’d been sat in the waiting room for hours with no news. Chas was sat beside him in a similar state of distress. “This is ridiculous.” Rob exclaimed rising from his seat and beginning to pace the room again. “I’m so sorry it got this far Chas. He wouldn’t let me take him to the doctor for weeks and then they faffed about and now…” Rob tailed off.  
“I know. It’s not your fault, love.” There was a moment of silence. “I asked Vic to get Liv off to school this morning. I thought it was probably best if we kept her out of the way for now.”  
“Thanks.” He went and sat down next to her again.  
“It’ll be alright.”  
“Who are you trying to convince Chas?” She looked shocked at his blunt comment. “I’m sorry….it’s just….he was really bad…”  
“Are you the family of Aaron Dingle?” They both stood.  
“Yes.”  
“Would you please come with me?” The nurse led them out of the waiting room and down a long corridor, then ushered them into a side room. Aaron was sat up in the bed looking very drowsy and there was a doctor stood beside him asking him some questions. As Rob and Chas walked in, Aaron forced a smile. Rob went straight over to him and kissed him on the top of his head.  
“You gave me such a scare.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“We’ve got the results back from some tests you had done the other day and some news we took when you came in.” The doctor was very serious as he spoke which made Robert feel dreadfully uneasy. “You have pneumonia.”  
“Pneumonia? Is that it? Surely that wouldn’t cause all the problems Aaron’s been having?” Robert questioned in concern.  
“Alone it wouldn’t. I’m afraid Aaron has contracted the Human Immunodeficiency Virus.”  
“HIV?” Aaron spoke in fear.   
“Yes.” Robert felt his heart plummet. Not Aaron. Please, not Aaron.  
“You can treat that though right? You hear stuff all the time about people with HIV living perfectly normal lives….right?” Chas struggled to conceal her shock.  
“Aaron’s condition has deteriorated significantly. All signs point to him being in the later stages of the virus.”  
“What do you mean?” Rob asked, his voice increasingly shaky.   
“The cough, the extreme fatigue, the rash and the very low T-cell count….It means that if he’d come in any later he would more than likely have gone past the point of no return. You’ve been lucky. It’ll be a long road and you’ll never be free of the virus but, yes, you should be able to live a normal life if we start you’re treatment today.” Aaron reached for Rob’s hand and held it tight.   
“Do you mind if I take a minute son. I just need to…get my head ‘round it.” Chas ran from the room a look of horror on her face.   
One thought caught in Rob’s mind, “Could I have given it to Aaron?”  
“The virus has most likely been in his system for years.”  
“How many years?”  
“About five.”  
“We weren’t together then Rob. It wasn’t you. But what if I’ve given it to you.”  
“That is something we’ll need to check. If you come with me we can do the test now.” The doctor headed for the door.  
Rob put his face close to Aaron’s, “If I’m positive, promise me you won’t blame yourself? I love you so much and I wouldn’t change anything.” He leaned in and kissed Aaron and then followed the doctor out of the room and down the corridor.

Half an hour later Robert walked back into Aaron’s room. His eyes were blood-shot from tears and he felt as though his legs would give way as he took a step further into the room. “I’m negative.”  
“Thank God.” Robert pulled the chair in the corner up to the side of the bed as Aaron breathed a deep sigh of relief.  
“I can’t believe it. HIV. Aaron, I’m so sorry.”  
“Don’t be stupid. Maybe if I’d have admitted I was sick sooner…”  
“Don’t think like that. What if this. What if that. The fact is that it happened.”  
“How am I gonna tell Liv?”  
“I can do it if you want.”  
“No. It should be me. You could tell Vic and let her tell Adam though. That’s one conversation I’d rather not have to have.”  
“Okay.”  
“Are you alright?”  
“No of course I’m not faming alright. You are the one thing that matters to me. I’m terrified.”  
“Come here.” Aaron pulled Rob into a tight hug. “I need you, Robert, to help me through this. We’re in this together and I promise, from now on, no more secrets about how we’re feeling. Okay?”  
“Okay.” Rob’s phone buzzed with a message. “It’s Vic. Her and Liv are in the waiting room. Shall I send Liv through while I speak to Victoria?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I love you.”  
“Mm.” Aaron agreed and Rob walked out of the room.

When he and Vic were alone, Rob told her. He told her everything. And she listened. Never interrupting. Just listening. “How can life be so cruel Vic?” Robert turned his head to his sister. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” Another futile sob escaped his red eyes. “I can’t live without him Vic. I can’t.” With that she moved swiftly to him and wrapped her arms around him tightly as he broke down in tears.  
“It’s going to be ok.” She whispered, placing a soft kiss to his hair. “I promise.” She hoped that was the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise this is pertty hard-hitting I just thought it might be a more unusual route to do down with the story. What do you guys think? Thanks for reading :)


	8. My World

The doctors started Aaron on antiretroviral treatment (ART) immediately. It wouldn't cure the virus but it would allow Aaron a longer and healthier life than he would have without it. Rob had stayed by his side for over forty-eight hours with only the occasional break to visit the half-broken coffee machine or to go to the toilet. Aaron slept a lot, apparently a side affect of the medication he was on to tackle his pneumonia. He had stopped coughing as much and could now breath much easier. Liv had taken the news badly and neither Rob nor Aaron had seen her since she stormed out of the hospital after he told her. Chas had been in to check on Aaron regularly. She told them that Liv had locked herself in her room and wouldn't come out. Chas had tried to explain that everything would be alright and with the right treatment, that Aaron was now getting, things would get better - be normal again even. It hadn't helped. "You should go and talk to her." Aaron encouraged Rob.  
"No. I don't want to leave you Aaron. You'll be out soon anyway and then you can talk to her yourself."  
"It could be weeks Rob."  
"It won't be."  
"It might be." Aaron said sternly. Rob looked to him apologetically. "Please. She might listen to you."  
"I doubt it."  
"I did say 'might'." He smiled at Rob. "Go home. Have a shower. Get some proper sleep. And then when you come back you bring me back some clean pyjamas."  
"Okay. Are you sure?"  
"Absolutely. I'm sick of the sight of you." Aaron joked.  
"Right. Okay. I'll go and call Vic for a lift. I'll see you later." He leaned in and kissed Aaron.  
"Bye."  
"See ya."

Rob opened the front door. Chas was in the kitchen making a sandwich. "I see you've made yourself at home then."  
"Well someone had to look after Liv and seeing as she won't come out of her room I thought it would be best if I just moved in here."  
"Right." Rob thought for a second. "Stick the kettle on would you? I'll go up and see if she'll let me talk to her."  
"Good luck."  
"Thanks." Rob replied heading up the stairs. 

It felt strange being back in the house he'd left in such a hurry that terrible night. It felt like an age ago but it was only two nights since he had crept down these stairs, blissfully unaware of the new future that awaited him. He shook himself out of his thoughts as he reached Liv's bedroom door. "Liv." He spoke as softly as he could, still being sure that she would hear him. "Hey. I know you're in there. Well I hope you are and you haven't shinned down the drain pipe or something." He joked, his palm still resting against the door. "Hey. Can you open the door? Please?" Nothing. "Right well I'll just have to talk to you from out here then." He lowered himself down to sit on the floor with his back leant up against the door frame. "Aaron's doing well. The doctors think he'll be out next week.........I know it's scary Liv, believe me, I know but Aaron needs us. Nobody's trying to deny this is going to be a long road but this isn't a death sentence." Rob swallowed. "Not yet." He felt as though he might cry again. "Your brother is my world Liv. Thinking I could lose him......I can't lose him. Aaron's my life but you're part of that life too. I would hate for you not to be able to talk to me, to me and Aaron, about this because you can. You can ask anything you like. I promise I won't make any dumb jokes." He smirked to himself. He sat there for a moment deep in thought. "I love you Liv." Then he did start to cry. The tears fell slowly, calmly down his cheeks. Rob felt the door move beside him and jumped to his feet. Liv was in tears too. Her eyes and cheeks were red and she clearly hadn't slept.  
"You're so soft." She broke into a cautious grin, looking up at her brother-in-law. Suddenly she threw herself into his embrace. Rob rubbed his hand on her back. "I really like you too Rob." He smiled over her shoulder and held her a little tighter as his heart lifted a little. Their family could make it through this. And they would.


	9. A Car

Two weeks later...  
Aaron was finally allowed to come home. Rob and Liv went to pick him up at twelve and Aaron was practically out the door the moment they stepped into his room. As they walked out to Rob's car, Aaron took a deep breath of the fresh air. "I was going off my head in there. It's so good to be out." He smiled at Rob and slung an arm around his shoulders to walk the rest of the way. They all got in the car and buckled up.  
"Home we go then." Rob spoke triumphantly.   
"Heck no."  
"What?"  
"Let's go somewhere."  
"Where?" Liv piped up from the backseat.  
"Anywhere." Robert turned the key in the ignition and set off with no destination in mind at all.

After a while, they pulled up in a carpark in the centre of Hotten. Agreeing they were all hungry, they headed for the closest cafe. Everything felt so normal. Like nothing had ever happened. It made Rob and Liv feel easier as Aaron laughed and joked just like old times. They ordered food and talked. Robert couldn't stop smiling at Aaron. There was a pause in conversation for a moment. Aaron took a sip of his coffee and then spoke. "You know one thing this has made me realise? There is so much I want to do. I know it sounds cheesy but I really don't know how long I've got, even with treatment." Robert looked to his hands, afraid of what his face would give away. "I want to do everything but I need your help. Both of you. We need to tell each other what we're feeling so that it doesn't hurt anyone. Understood?" Both Liv and Robert nodded in agreement. "Good."  
"So what do want to do first?" Questioned Liv.  
"Buy a car."  
"But you already have a car."  
"This one's going to be a project." Rob looked confused. "We'll buy some old wreck and fix it up. Maybe it could be your first car Liv."  
"Cool." Liv exclaimed genuinely.  
"Why?" Robert wasn't sure what to make of Aaron's new resolution to life.  
"Because all I want to do is make my family happy. You've wanted to do up a car for ages Rob, don't deny it. I know you pretty well remember." Rob laughed lightly. "Plus we can teach Liv some skills and then she gets a car." He said it like it was obvious.  
"I think those meds have sent you loopy." All three of them laughed. "Okay we'll do it."  
"Let's go home. Watch a movie or something." Aaron suggested. They stood in unison and began to make their way back to the car.

The car journey felt long but Rob didn't mind. He kept looking over to Aaron. He was looking out of the window at the beautiful Yorkshire scenery flashing by. The sunlight danced on his face and Rob could see in his eyes that he really was happy.

They watched every instalment of Star Wars late into the night. Squashed onto the sofa, a blanket covering them and a rapidly emptying bowl of popcorn propped between them. Liv fell asleep against Aaron and he took the opportunity to carefully turn to his husband and kiss him deeply. "I love you." Rob smiled in reply. "You know I've got other stuff I want to do as well."  
"Oh yeah. Like what?"  
Aaron leant in to kiss him again then rested his forehead on Rob's and said, "You'll have to wait and see."


	10. This Room

The next day...  
Rob got home from work early. He Had called every half hour all day to check if Aaron was okay and he could tell he was seriously getting on his husband's nerves but he couldn't help it. He stepped through the front door, calling out into the house as he dropped his keys down on the side. There was no reply and after checking the living room and kitchen, Rob headed upstairs. He eventually found Aaron sitting in the middle of the double bed in the spare room. Neither of them really knew why they had a spare room; the majority of their friends and family lived within a few hundred yard of their house so it wasn't like they were expecting over-night visitors very often. "Hey." Rob said sitting down next to Aaron, the bed sinking slightly under his weight. "You alright?" His husband turned to him indignantly.   
"Rob, you have asked me that so many times today and what is my answer every time?"  
"I'm fine. Please shut up about it."  
"Exactly." He smiled at Rob. "I swear I will tell you if something's wrong. Okay?"  
"Okay." They sat in silence for a moment as Rob looked around. "What are you doing sat in here then?"  
"I was just thinking." With that Aaron leaned right back until he was lying flat on the bed, the lower part of his legs hanging off the end. Rob copied his movement and turned to face him.  
"Oh yeah? What about?"  
"Us. Liv." Aaron now turned to Rob too. Their faces were millimetres apart and love was present in their eyes. "The future."  
"The future? Sound deep."  
"Maybe." Aaron stared back up at the ceiling. "There was one thing on the list that involved this room actually." Rob didn't say anything or take his eyes away from Aaron. "I think we could put this room to much better use. If it had somebody in it."  
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Aaron looked back to Rob. "Are you saying you want a kid?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapter will be longer I've just been super busy. Thanks for reading:)


	11. If

Rob was lying on the lush green grass of a Yorkshire field, staring up at a bright blue sky. The sun was hot on his face and he knew he was sure to get burnt. He leant up on his elbows and saw Aaron was chasing around, playing, with a little boy. Their son. Rob smiled in happiness at the sight before him as Aaron scooped the child up into his arms making him giggle…

“Rob!” He awoke with a start. Instinctively turning to Aaron beside him.  
“What? What is it? Are you okay?” He asked flustered, eyes darting all over Aaron, looking for any hint of distress.  
“I was just about to ask you the same question.”  
“What?” Rob asked confused.  
“You were breathing all funny and you’re sweating? I was worried.” Rob sunk back against the headboard, relaxing in the fact that Aaron was okay. It was all he ever thought about now – if Aaron was okay.  
“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just dreaming that’s all.” Aaron leant back as well so that his shoulder was pressed up against Rob’s as he leant against the top of the bed. He kept his eyes fixed on Robert.  
“What were you dreaming about?” Rob didn’t speak. He looked at his husband for a moment and then quickly away. He didn’t want to tell Aaron what he’d dreamt of. He didn’t know what to think about it himself yet. He didn’t know what to think about anything anymore. “Was it about…what we talked about earlier?”  
“What you talked about you mean?” Rob shot back. “I don’t remember saying anything.”  
“Exactly.” Aaron said louder than he meant to. He lowered his voice, not wanting to wake Liv. “You said you wouldn’t freak out about it Rob.” Robert looked at him apologetically.  
“I know. I’m sorry.” He said sincerely.  
“Look if this isn’t what you want then….well it was just an idea. I hadn’t even thought about it properly yet. And if….well…we can just forget I ever said it. I shouldn’t have said it. It was a stupid idea.” Aaron rambled on and on, not really knowing where he was going with this at all. “We can’t….well with everything, it wouldn’t be….maybe we should just….”  
“Yes.” Rob calmly interjected.  
“What?” Aaron wasn’t at all sure if he was understanding him correctly.  
“I said yes.” His face turned to a wide smile. “Yes, Aaron, I want a kid. With you. Yes.” There was a long pause where Aaron just sat open mouthed at Rob. He clearly hadn’t expected that at all. “Shut your mouth or you’ll catch a fly in it.” Rob joked but Aaron didn’t laugh. His face stayed in the same stunned expression as he slowly pulled his mouth shut. “Well say something then you muppet. I thought this was what you wanted.”  
“It is. Of course it is but……are you sure? I mean are you really sure?” Rob decided to tell the absolute truth (something he was finding easier and easier since being with Aaron).  
“When you first said it…..well I didn’t know what to think. Actually that’s not true, I did think of one thing.”  
“What?” Aaron asked, genuinely intrigued.  
“I can’t tell you.”  
“Why not?”  
“Because it’s not fair. It’s so selfish Aaron.” Aaron just stared at Rob waiting for him to continue. Realising that Aaron wasn’t going to let this go he took a deep breath and started. “I thought…..that it would be me….the one who would have to deal with raising a kid on my own along with everything else if…” He swallowed. “if this doesn’t go the way we want it to.” A lone tear fell from Robert’s eye. Aaron put his hand to his husband’s face and gently brushed it away with his thumb.  
“I know. I can’t imagine you having to go through that. I know what it’s like to lose someone you love Robert. To see them….falling away from you slowly and there is nothing you can do to stop it. But we can’t put our lives on hold Rob. We have to believe that, you and me, we’re going to live to be old and grey and still bugging Liv when she’s got kids of her own.” Aaron’s attempt to lighten the mood worked as Rob let slip a half smirk. “I’m so glad you told me what you’re feeling. This is huge and we have a lot of decisions to make. Besides there’s a million and one medical tests that adoption agencies and that have to carry out, if we decide to go that way of course, all of which I will definitely fail.” He laughed at himself. Rob’s face stayed straight. “Oh come on, lighten up will ya?” He received no reply. “Look seeing as we’re both up and I’m absolutely freezing now, why don’t I go make us a brew yeah?” Rob nodded, emotionless. Aaron leant forward and kissed him on the forehead, then climbed out of bed and headed for the door.  
“Aaron.” He turned back to Rob who had tears falling from his eyes again. Robert had tried to keep his fears from Aaron for so long that, now they came out in a flood of emotion that he had absolutely no control over. “I can’t lose you.” Aaron released a large breath in heartache and dashed back to the bed where he embraced his husband tightly.  
“I love you. You know that?” Aaron had tears welling in his own eyes now. “It’s gonna be okay.”  
“I feel like such a fraud.” Robert sobbed. “You’re the one going through this and here I am asking you to support me.”  
“You don’t need to ask me. I’m your husband. I support you no matter what. Anyway, I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, we go through this together. Right?”  
“Right. Aaron?”  
“Yes mate.”  
“I wish it was me.”


	12. I Feel It

Aaron woke up in the morning, alone in bed and immediately knew where his husband would be. He walked straight to the spare room where Robert was stood, looking out of the window over the garden. “Morning.” Rob turned around at Aaron’s voice.  
“Hi.” He turned back to look out of the window again and Aaron walked up behind him, kissing his bare shoulder and then joining him in front of the view. “I meant what I said last night. I wish it was me…”  
“Don’t. Please, Rob don’t say that.” Aaron interrupted.  
“But I also meant what I said about a kid.” He turned to Aaron, taking his hands in his own. “I want to be a father with you Aaron. I don’t care what we have to do to make it happen. We’re going to do this.” He smiled.  
“I love you.” Aaron leaned in and embraced Rob.  
“I love you too.”

At work, Rob couldn’t stop his mind from being constantly distracted. He would tell himself to focus on the paperwork and the next thing he knew he would be searching adoption agencies again. At one point Adam walked in and Rob had to slam the laptop lid down. Adam gave him a strange look but said nothing which Rob was grateful of but it did deter him from continuing his search at work.

He got home at about five and found a note on the kitchen table telling him that everything was ‘FINE’ but Aaron had gone to collect Liv from Hotten. Rob laughed at Aaron’s need to emphasise the word ‘fine’ by writing it in capitals and scribbling over the markings several times. He flicked the kettle on then sat down at the table with his laptop, opening all the adoption agency pages he had bookmarked earlier. 

He sat there for a long time, only noticing when the room finally fell into complete darkness around him. He looked to the bottom corner of the screen – 8pm. “Jesus.” He muttered to himself. How could he have sat there that long without noticing? Aaron. Where was Aaron? His heart started to race as he walked briskly over to the counter where he had discarded his husband’s note earlier. He reread it, hoping desperately that he had missed something which would explain why a round trip to Hotten and back that should take 40 minutes at the absolute most had in fact taken over three hours. Rob kicked himself for getting fixed to his laptop so intently. Panic really set in when he rang Aaron and received no reply. He tried again. Nothing. Then he tried Liv. Nothing. He grabbed his jacket and raced over to the pub.

“What on earth’s the matter love?” Chas exclaimed as her son-in-law burst into the pub tears welling in his eyes. Realisation hit her. “Is it Aaron?” She sped ‘round to the front of the bar and took Rob’s hands in her own – just like Robert had done with Aaron’s that morning. A tear rolled down his cheek as he tried to explain.  
“I came home a few hours ago and found a note from him saying he’d gone to pick Liv up but he hasn’t come home yet and it’s been hours.” Chas looked deeply concerned.  
“How long ago did you find the note?” She asked.  
“A few hours ago!” He yelled in frustration, then realising himself he looked at her. “I’m sorry.” He said more calmly. The few heads that had turned at his raised voice flicked back to their own conversations.  
“There’s probably nothing to worry about.”  
“Look what happened the last time you said that Chas. I said something was wrong then. I felt it. Well I feel it now too.” He paused to think. “If they’d decided to get some food or go to the cinema or something, he would’ve phoned right?”  
“You’ve tried calling him?”  
“Yes of course I have. That was the first thing I did.” Rob’s voice threatened to shout again.  
“Right. Okay. So where should we start looking?” Chas said, trying to be logical.  
“I have no idea.” He took a deep breath. “You stay here. Keep an eye out for him. Maybe make some calls. I’m gonna drive to Hotten, see if I can find him.”   
“Make some calls to who?”  
“Keep trying his and Liv’s mobiles. If they are at a movie they’ll pick up eventually. And…maybe try the hospital.” It made Robert sick at thought of Aaron going back there again but it wasn’t something he could rule out.  
“Okay love.” Chas looked as sickened as him. “Go. I’ll call you if I have any news.”  
“Right.” Rob kept up a fast pace all the way to his car. He turned the key in the ignition, feeling his heart sink lower by the second, and raced out of the village towards Hotten.


	13. Praying

Rob kept darting his eyes around the sides of the road, praying for any sign of his husband. He couldn’t have just vanished into thin air so where was he? He held in his tears, trying desperately to keep a clear head. Eventually he reached Hotten. Now what? Robert had no idea where to even start looking for Aaron. He parked his car on a side road in the centre of town and set off on foot. He asked everyone he passed if they’d seen Aaron or Liv but no one had.

Desperation set in. Then he caught sight of a green jacket. A khaki jacket he recognised. He sped up and as he got closer he confirmed in his mind, it was Liv. She had her back to him, stood amongst a group of other kids about the same age as her. Rob reached the crowd and placed a hand on her shoulder making her turn. “Finally.” She exclaimed. Rob looked puzzled.  
“What do you mean? Where’s your brother?” Liv joined him in confusion.  
“I called him a few hours ago to come get me but he never showed.” Rob felt sick.  
“You really haven’t seen him?” Liv shook her head. “Oh my God.” Rob took a step back.  
“Rob what’s going on? I’m confused.”  
“So am I.” He took a seat at a nearby bench. Liv followed him, sitting beside him. “He’d left to come and get you when I got home but he obviously never got here.” He turned to her. “So where did he go?”  
“You’re worried something’s happened?” Rob just nodded. “Try not to worry. We’ll find him.” With that she stood and called to her group of mates. “Hey guys! My brother’s gone AWOL. Can you help us find him?” The bunch of teens all nodded. “Great. Thanks guys.” After taking a glimpse at a picture of Aaron on Liv’s phone, they all splintered off in different directions. Liv turned back to Rob. “Come on then.” She headed off down the street. Rob stood and followed.

They walked for what seemed like forever. Rob and Liv kept checking their phones for messages. From Liv’s mates. From Chas. From Aaron. Robert started to feel completely hopeless. They got back in his car and headed for the other side of town. Suddenly Liv yelled at Rob to stop the car.  
“What?”  
“I saw something, someone, on the bridge.” Robert pulled over and walked towards the bridge. It was a bridge that went over the train tracks. A bridge that everyone knew. A bridge that had been nicknamed the ghost bridge. Because it was where several people had….jumped. Rob swallowed the lump in his throat. Close enough to see the figure clearer, he stopped.  
“Liv, go back to the car and stay there.”  
“But…”she tried to object but Rob cut her off.  
“Just do it Liv.” He thrust the car keys into her hand. She did as he asked. Rob stood there for a moment longer and then continued…..praying to God his eyes were deceiving him.


	14. It's Me

Rob walked slowly, heart in his throat, cautiously approaching the figure in the darkness on the bridge. Closer, his worst fears were confirmed. It was Aaron. Tears tumbling down his cheeks. Peering over the edge.

Robert didn't know what to do. He froze. Startling Aaron would be the worst thing he could possibly do. He was terrified. Taking another step forward he spoke softly, "Aaron. It's me. Rob." He received no answer. It was like his husband was in some kind of trance. The doctors had warned them that depression could be a side affect of HIV. With Aaron's history of mental health issues it wasn't surprising that he was struggling. Robert searched his mind for anything that could've indicated that something was going so wrong in his husband's head. "Aaron." He tried again but was just met with silence. Fairly confident that Aaron wouldn't move, Robert dared to take enough steps to be able to reach out and place his hand on Aaron's. He looked straight into his husbands eyes. There was something dark there. Like a kind of emptiness. It frightened Rob. "Do you wanna tell me what's going on?" Finally Aaron turned his head to Robert.  
"I......" He couldn't get the word out, tears still sliding down his face.  
"What are you doing here mate?"  
"Liv?"  
"I found her. She's okay. That's why you came to Hotten right? To pick her up?" Aaron nodded, emotionless.  
"I got........confused."  
"That's okay. I'm here now."  
"I couldn't remember where I was going." Rob's heart broke. Aaron turned his head back to the train tracks below. "I wasn't.....I wasn't going to.....um...." Rob knew exactly what he was trying to say. It made him feel the tiniest bit better knowing that Aaron hadn't gone onto that bridge to do what so many others had there.  
"Okay." He said, stroking his thumb on Aaron's hand.  
"What's happening to me?" Aaron looked back to his husband. It was strange. Rob still wasn't entirely sure if Aaron even knew who he was. He had to get him to the hospital.  
"Why don't we try and find out? Yeah?" Aaron nodded. "Come on." Rob placed a hand on his back and guided him away from the edge, along the bridge towards his car.


	15. Guilt

Rob drove as fast as he could to the hospital. Liv kept her eyes fixed on her brother the whole way. Suddenly Aaron's breathing started to get out of control again. "Stop, Rob! Stop the car!" She yelled. Robert pulled over and ran 'round to his husband's door, pulling it open just as Aaron burst into tears again. Rob enveloped him in a hug allowing Aaron to cry on his shoulder. He considered calling for help but they were only a few minutes from the hospital. Eventually, with the aid of Rob's soothing strokes to his back, Aaron began to calm and when Robert was satisfied he was okay enough to continue, he went back to the drivers' seat and set off again.

Liv held Aaron's hand as they walked from the carpark to the hospital entrance. Aaron was still really out of it. Rob walked straight over to the front desk.  
"Can I help you?" The nurse asked.  
"My husband.....something's wrong.....he has HIV. I think he's having some kind of episode. I found him on a bridge.....looking over the edge...." She obviously understood what he was getting at.  
"Bring him straight through. Follow me."

After hours of tests, assessments and questions, a doctor finally came and spoke to Robert, who'd been told to stay in the waiting room no matter how much he disputed it.   
"It is most likely that Aaron had an extreme anxiety attack which is what caused him to get in such a state. Is there anything that could be worrying your husband?"  
"What other than the fact he was told a few weeks ago his got a life-threatening condition!" Rob exclaimed sarcastically. He took a deep breath, calming himself. "Sorry." He said gently. "It's been a long day and I've spent most of it absolutely terrified." The doctor nodded.  
"I understand. I just want to find out what could be troubling Aaron. Then maybe we can deal with it." Robert thought for a moment. And then remembered something. He suddenly felt very guilty.  
"We.....we were discussing adopting a child." He looked up into the doctor's eyes and then down at the floor. "After Aaron found out.....well it made him reconsider a lot of stuff." His breath caught in his throat. "What if I've done this to him? Maybe I pushed the idea too much."  
"But it was his idea?" Silence.  
"Yes." Rob answered, nodding.  
"We've tried to ask Aaron what's bothering him but he doesn't want to say. Actually he says there isn't anything but my medical opinion is that there must be something. You might have more luck." The doctor placed his hand on Rob's shoulder. "Go speak to him." Robert nodded cautiously.

He stood and followed the doctor down the corridor towards Aaron's room. What could he say? He didn't know what to do anymore. This morning everything seemed fine. How could he have misjudged so badly? Aaron deserved better. A few paces from the door into his husband's room, Rob stopped in his tracks. He looked at the doctor for a moment. Then turned and ran. He ran past a nurse. Past Liv and Chas beside the coffee machine. Ran out the double doors. Out the hospital, Aaron's new prison. He ran and didn't stop. Pain in his heart, tears burning in his eyes and guilt ripping through him like a tsunami. He wished it was him. Wished it was him.


	16. Best Days

Two weeks later…  
Aaron was now on anti-depressants along with everything else. Rob never took his eyes off his husband. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take. Aaron hadn’t been the same since the incident. He hadn’t left the trance cast upon him that night. Robert woke him in the morning, helped him through the day and then put him to bed. Once his husband had fallen to sleep, Rob would sit in the corridor outside their room and cry. He felt like his world was breaking up around him. Why had this happened? To Aaron of all people. The best man in the world. It all just made Robert feel so helpless.

This night, while Rob was sat in the corridor, his back pressed hard up against the wall, Liv came out of her room. He didn’t even try to hide his tears, not anymore. She didn’t say anything, just joined him on the floor and put her arm around him. “You okay?”  
“No.”  
“Sorry. Stupid question.” She looked to Rob. “I’m not really okay either. I hate seeing him like this. It’s like he’s not there anymore.” She sighed. “Everything was going so well. What went wrong?”   
“I don’t know. I wish I did. I would ask Aaron but….well…” He wiped the tears from his cheeks.  
“I heard you talking….in the spare room….before…” He looked at her, realising what she was saying. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but…”  
“You don’t know how not to!” Rob jested making Liv laugh.  
“You’d make a great dad Rob. Both of you would.” He smiled at her. “Do you reckon that had something to do with what’s happened to Aaron?”  
“Maybe.” He shook his head leaning it back against the wall. “I don’t know what to think anymore. The doctors don’t seem to know anything either. They tell me he had some kind of breakdown because of this depression thing but nobody has told me what I can do to help him. We’re on our own completely and I feel like I’m sinking. Half the time I’m not even sure if he knows who I am.” More tears fell. “It hurts. It hurts so bad.”  
“I know exactly what you mean.” They sat in silence for a moment. “How was he today? Sorry I got back late. Me and Gabby had this history project thing.”  
“That’s alright.” Rob thought. “He was….the same as every other day. Silent. Hurting. Confused. He ate dinner though so that’s something.”   
“Wait here a second.” Liv stood, going back into her room and then coming back with her phone. She sat back down and flicked through the photos. “Here.” She handed the phone to Rob. “I found this today. One of the best days ever.” Robert looked at the photo on the screen. It was the three of them in Wales. They were all stood on top of a hill, hair blowing in every direction. Liv was right – it was a brilliant day. They all looked so care free. It was strange seeing Aaron like that. His eyes bright with life. Rob hadn’t seen that life for weeks. He smiled.  
“We’ll get back there somehow. We’ll be that family again. I don’t know how but I know that I will do anything to help Aaron so I better come up with a plan.”  
“We had better come up with a plan.” Liv corrected him. Rob looked into her eyes.  
“When did you get so grown up young lady?”  
“About the same time you did.” She joked.  
“Oi!” He poked her in the side. They laughed.

They sat there talking or a long time. “You’d better get back to bed. You’ve got school in the morning.” Liv dragged herself up from the floor.  
“Night Robert.”  
“Good night.”

Robert must’ve fallen asleep there, in the corridor, because when he awoke in the morning he was still there, wearing yesterday’s clothes and his neck ached. He stretched out and then stood and headed downstairs. It was just after six so he had a couple of hours until he’d go to wake Aaron and start the routine again. Rob flicked the kettle on, rubbing his eyes in tiredness. He went to the fridge for the milk but there wasn’t any. He sighed on the verge of tears again. It was stupid how the tiniest of things could tip him over the edge like this. Shaking himself from his emotions, he left through the front door needing some fresh air. 

He walked up to the cricket pavilion and sat on the steps, staring off into the distance, trying not to think. 

Twenty minutes later he headed back home. Liv would need to get up quite soon to be ready for school in time. As he stepped back in through the front door, his mouth dropped open in shock. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. There. Stood in the kitchen making breakfast. Was Aaron. Aaron humming along to whatever song was playing on the radio. Half dancing, the sunlight bouncing of him. Rob thought he had to be hallucinating. He’d had to drag his husband from bed every day, dress him and help him stumble down the stairs. This couldn’t be happening.

Aaron turned.  
“Hey.” He greeted Robert. “Toast?”  
Rob was frozen but just about managed to get out, “Yes please.” He walked into the kitchen. Aaron handed him a mug.  
“Sorry. It’s black coffee. There wasn’t any milk.”  
“Yeah. I know. I’ll get some later.” Rob was still struggling to speak. For the first time since the bridge incident Aaron actually looked like he was alive, like he knew what was happening. “Aaron. You look amazing.”  
“Yeah I feel it.” He leaned forward and kissed his husband. “I’m sorry….for everything.”  
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t deny you had me scared for a while there but you’re back now and that’s what counts.” They shared a smile.

Liv came downstairs. Aaron and Robert were sat at the table, talking and laughing. She was just as surprised as Rob had been. Aaron caught sight of her and smiled. She didn’t say anything, she just sped over to him and hugged him.  
“Hey. You okay?” Aaron questioned.  
“I am now.” She replied, tightening their embrace.


	17. No

A few days later...  
"I'm so sorry Robert." Aaron spoke softly into the darkness of their bedroom. Rob turned to him.  
"What for?"  
"Everything. The way I've been lately..." His husband cut him off.  
"You can't help it. It's part of the illness Aaron. Please don't start blaming yourself."  
"I've put you through hell. You and Liv and mum and everyone else. I've ruined our future." Rob turned the bedside lamp on and sat up.  
"What are you talking about? We've still got a future."  
"Not the one either of us wanted." Aaron sat up too, looking deeply into his husband's eyes. "No adoption agency would ever let us have a child now."  
"You just watch them try and stop us."  
"No Rob!" Aaron interjected. "I can't bring a kid into this. It's bad enough that Liv has to be part of it. I'm sick Rob. We can't pretend I'm not."  
"You're fine. You're doing great Aaron. The medication.....it's working..."  
"No it's not!" Aaron's voice broke with emotion. Rob looked at him in confusion. They just stared at each other for a minute and then Aaron removed his shirt. The deep, red rash, that had almost gone after the doctors had started him on the HIV meds, was back. Rob's breath caught in his throat as he held in a sob. He knew it must've returned quickly as, until a few days ago when Aaron exited his 'silent phase', Rob had been helping Aaron shower and change - he would've noticed. "It's turning into AIDS Rob. We always knew that at the late stage I was in it was gonna be hit or miss if they could stop the progress of the virus."  
"No." That was all Robert could say. He was frozen with fear.  
"I love you Robert. I love you so much."  
"No. Aaron. Please. Let me take you back to the hospital."  
"It's too late."  
"You don't know that."  
"I've been throwing up all day, I feel so weak, my cough's come back, I don't sleep and now the rash.....I'm back where I was Robert."  
"They could could change your medication. We could get some better doctors, I don't care how much it costs..."  
"Rob!" Aaron interrupted. He shook his head. A tear fell from Rob's eye. "Come here." They fell into each other's arms.  
"Please don't leave me Aaron."  
"Sshhh. It's okay. It's okay."


	18. Killing Me

Robert woke up a couple of hours later, hearing Aaron throwing up in the toilet. He rushed to Aaron's side - something that was becoming increasingly frequent. Rob knelt at his husband's side rubbing his back. Liv poked her head 'round the door. "Is he okay?"  
"I've got it Liv." He forced a smile at his sister-in-law. "Go back to bed." She turned and left, clearly unhappy to do so. Aaron rested his head, face down, on his arms across the loo. Suddenly he started to cry, making his entire body shake. Robert's heart broke for his husband. He never wanted their time together to end but he could feel it slowly slipping away and it terrified him. Rob pressed comforting kisses to the back of Aaron's neck. "I love you. I love you. I love you." He repeated in a whisper over and over again. Aaron wiped his mouth on his sleeve and leant his head back to rest on Rob's shoulder. Rob wrapped his arms around his husband.  
"You're amazing Robert. I'm so lucky." Aaron's voice faltered with weakness. Rob kissed his forehead.  
"No. I'm the lucky one."

Robert carried Aaron back to bed. It was easy. Aaron had obviously lost weight again. He changed his top and laid him down on the bed, pulling the duvet up over him. Rob knelt on the floor beside his husband. The thumb on one hand stoked circles on Aaron's hand while the other hand softly played with his dark hair.

He stayed there until the sun started streaming through a crack in the curtains and Aaron's eyes finally started to flicker open. "Morning beautiful." Rob greeted and Aaron smiled.  
"Did you just call me beautiful?"  
"I think I did yeah." They shared a soft laugh. Rob pushed himself up of the floor to sit on the edge of the bed next to Aaron. His legs ached with cramp from staying in one position for hours but at the same time he didn't feel anything. "How are you?"  
"I'm alright."  
"Okay, now how are you really?" Aaron sighed.  
"Awful." Rob leaned down and kissed him. Aaron pushed him away. "Sorry. I've probably got sick breath."  
"I don't care." They stared at each other in silence for a moment. "I'll go get us a brew."

"Here." Rob handed Aaron (who had now sat up against the headboard) a mug of tea. Aaron just looked at it and then carefully placed it down on the bedside table. "You need to drink Aaron. You'll get dehydrated."  
"I can't."   
"Come on." Robert swiftly put his own mug down and lifted the other to his husband's mouth.  
"I can't!" Aaron shoved Rob's hand hard away from him. The tea spilt all over the bed. "I'm sorry." He apologised sadly. Rob hopped up from the bed, quickly heading for the bedroom door.  
"It's fine. I'll get something to clean it up with." He said it too reasonably and his husband noticed.  
"Rob. Stop." Robert turned back to Aaron, a tear in his eye.  
"Everything alright? I heard shouting." Liv questioned entering behind Rob.  
Aaron smiled at his sister saying, "It's fine Liv. Get to school." She went to leave but stopped.  
"Why do you two keep shutting me out?" She looked between them. "I know something's going on. I'm here too you know. And you..." She turned to Robert. "What was all that the other night? We talked. I thought we agreed no secrets. I thought you said we were in this together." Rob couldn't say anything. He was frozen. "Obviously me opening up meant nothing to you." Still no answer. "Great. I'll see ya later." She shook her head as she stormed out.  
"Rob you have to promise me you won't tell her." The atmosphere in the room was heavy. Rob could hardly breathe. "Not yet. Please." Robert nodded, unable to look at his husband.   
"This is killing me Aaron. I can't just give up. Not now. Not ever. I'm taking you to the hospital."  
"No Rob."  
"Yes."  
"No." Aaron said with more force.  
"Yes!" Rob kicked the chest of drawers, making a framed photo of their wedding day topple and crack. He fell to his knees, breaking down in uncontrollable sobs. He punched the floor in frustration. Aaron stood from the bed, walked across the room and dropped to the floor in front of his husband. He lifted Rob's chin with a couple of fingers.   
"Look at me." Rob stared into his eyes. "You and Liv are my world. I hate what this is doing to me but most of all I hate what it's doing to you two. I'm not giving up Rob, I'm not. But I have to accept what is happening here. I have HIV and, whether we like it or not, it's turning into AIDS. We can't stop it Rob. It's too late. But it's not too late for me to help you. Please. You have to know......when I'm gone...."  
"Don't Aaron. Please don't say that." Aaron summoned all the strength he had in him, which was very little, and continued.  
"When I'm gone. It's gonna be hard. There will be times when you hate the world. Hate people who try to tell it'll be fine. Hate me." Aaron took a deep breath. "Just promise me Robert that you won't ever hate yourself. There isn't anything more you could've done. You could've loved me anymore than you did. But most of all this isn't, isn't your fault. Do you understand me?"  
"A life without you Aaron. Isn't a life worth living."  
"Don't say that. Don't you dare say that." He took hold of Rob's head in in hands. "Your life is going to be amazing. You'll live the future we wanted. The future you deserve my incredible man." Aaron caught his husband in a hug. "You are so strong. I know you can do this. I know you can."

Rob managed to get Aaron to drink but he'd just thrown it all back up again. They just lay in bed together, Aaron adamant that if he had some rest he'd be much better. Rob watched his husband's chest rise and fall. He looked so fragile, so ill. His face was pale and, when he did occasionally gain the strength to open them briefly, his eyes were dreadfully bloodshot. Sometimes Aaron would start to cry and Rob would gently stroke his hair until he drifted off to sleep again. Other times he would wake up suddenly, calling Rob's name and it would take longer for him to be able to relax again.

Hours later Robert got up to make them some more drinks and some soup although he was sure Aaron would be unable to eat anything. He whispered in Aaron's ear where he was going. He didn't think he'd been heard but he went anyway. Rob hurried downstairs wanting to get back to the bedroom as quickly as possible in case Aaron woke up again. After making the food, burning himself several times in his rush to finish, he went back upstairs. What he saw when he entered the room made his heart lurch. Rob dropped the tray and it clattered to the floor. He wanted to scream. Aaron's face was paler than Rob had ever seen it and it was quickly turning blue....


	19. Sorry

"Please God no." Rob sped across the room to the bed. "Aaron! Aaron!" He shook his husband, calling his name. Tears began to well in his eyes. "Come on Aaron. Open your eyes for me." Rob darted his gaze around the room, looking for his phone but he couldn't see it. He looked for Aaron's too. They must be downstairs. Probably completely out of charge too. Neither of them had looked at their phones in days, they'd been so focused on other things. "Aaron!" His shouts got louder and more desperate. He needed help. He cursed himself for believing Aaron when he said they'd never need a landline. Suddenly Aaron took a breath. "Aaron. Aaron can you hear me?" He didn't answer. "We need to get you to hospital."  
"I can't move." Aaron could barely talk.  
"Don't worry. It's gonna be fine." Rob said it as much to reassure himself as to reassure his husband. He grabbed Aaron up in his arms and raced down the stairs, out the front door and to his car. 

Robert drove faster than he had ever driven before, and that was saying something. All the time he watched for any sign Aaron had stopped breathing again. He talked to him to try and keep him awake. About stupid things. About finally fixing the shed in the garden. About Cher on the radio. About Chas' terrible cooking. Until finally they were at the hospital.

Aaron was taken away from Rob almost as soon as they stepped in the door. Robert was frightened. He called Chas and Vic and they were there in minutes.   
"What happened Robert?" His mother-in-law asked.  
"He got worse."  
"Clearly." She exclaimed frustratedly. "I'm sorry love. I'm not angry at you. I just want to understand what happened." She came to sit next to him.  
"I left him for a few minutes. It couldn't have been more that 10 minutes. He'd been sleeping all day. I thought it was safe to leave him." Vic hugged him into her. "It's really bad Chas. I think we're losing him."

A doctor approached them.   
"Aaron Dingle's family?" They nodded. "Aaron is stable now. His breathing is under control and we've started him on some new strong anti-viral meds."  
"So what happened?" Chas questioned.  
"Aaron's medication wasn't working. It's possible he's allergic to it. There's no way of being entirely sure. He stopped breathing because his airway was being constricted by a lot of sores. They come with the territory unfortunately."  
"Is it......has it become AIDS?" Robert asked although he wasn't sure he wanted the answer.  
"No." Rob let out a deep breath. "That's not to say it still won't get that far but we're doing everything we can to help him."  
"Can we see him?" Chas said, clearly having relaxed a little too.  
"Yes you can but one at a time would be best."   
"You go first Chas. I need to have a moment first?" She nodded at Rob and then followed the doctor to go see her son.

Robert carefully pushed the door open and stepped inside, only then looking up. Aaron smiled at him from the bed.  
"I'm so sorry I scared you Rob." Rob walked further in, fear in his eyes like Aaron could stop breathing again at any second. "Are you okay?"  
"Not really. But I'm trying to be."  
"They told you it's not AIDS yet?" Rob nodded. "Guess I really am the lucky one." He joked. Robert didn't laugh. "How's Liv." Aaron tried to break the silence.  
"Okay."  
"What did she mean before by the way? She said something about opening up."  
"We talked. It was no big deal."  
"Rob that's a massive deal for both of you." Aaron rubbed a hand over his face. "I wish you'd talk to me."  
"I do talk to you Aaron."  
"No. I mean right now. It's like someone's shut a door between us."  
"You almost died Aaron! Excuse me if I'm a bit quiet."  
"Don't shout."  
"Sorry. It's just you treat this like it's nothing. First you refuse to accept that there's any hope at all that you might actually be able to live with this and now your just gonna totally ignore the fact you stopped breathing. I mean you actually stopped breathing Aaron. I know. I was there."  
"I've said I'm sorry for scaring you." Rob shook his head. "Are you really angry at me Robert?"  
"I don't know. Maybe. I don't know what I feel anymore. I'm numb constantly. I don't want to be angry with you Aaron but...." He dropped his hand in defeat. "I'm sorry. I need to...." And with that he left, heading straight for the toilet. 

Rob locked himself in a cubicle as he tried to calm his breathing. He hadn't had a panic attack since......well it'd been a long time, but this was definitely one.


	20. Control

"Excuse me. Are you alright in there?" Rob had tried to suppress his sobs and calm his breathing but nothing was working. His head throbbed and he just wanted to scream. "Hello?" The person called again from outside the cubicle. "Should I get someone?" They were so persistent. Robert wanted to yell at them to go away but he couldn't. He sat on the lid of the toilet, rocking back and forth, silently pleading with whoever it was to leave him alone. Then he heard the person turn and sit down on the floor, their back resting against the cubicle. Robert could see their shadow under the door. "It's such a horrible place isn't it.....the hospital I mean not the bogs." The man joked trying to lighten the mood. "I've been spending far too much time here lately. Far too much." Rob heard him sigh. "The doctors and nurses and that, they all tell you it'll be okay or that this won't happen again. 'It's all under control' they say. Only it isn't. The rest of us.....well we're all just stumbling around trying to figure out what we're supposed to do. No one ever tells us that do they? How to be. What say. What not to say." The person shifted slightly on the hard floor. "You see I think we should all just say what we think. Why is it that people aren't supposed to say that their scared? People say it's so we don't upset the person who's going through whatever it is but that's bullshit because we're going through it too right?" Somehow, this person, a person who Rob had never set eyes on before, knew exactly how he was feeling. He could sense his breathing starting to slow as he listened. There was a silence when both men were thinking on their own. "My son.......he's in here you see. He's really ill and the doctors say they can stop things getting any worse, give him back the life he had before......but I don't know. This is much bigger than just an illness. This is...........scary." Rob could tell the bloke was on the verge of tears. He stood and unlocked the cubicle door. There ....sitting on the floor....tears rolling down his cheeks.....was Paddy. He turned to look up at Robert. Neither of them felt ashamed of what they'd just shared with each other. They had both needed comfort. It was a shock to them to see who lay the opposite side of the door, but not an unpleasant one. Paddy pulled himself up to stand facing Rob. Robert knew he must look a mess; his eyes were red from crying, he had been sweating profusely and he was still trembling from his heart beating so fast. Paddy pulled him into a hug, Rob crying over his shoulder as he swayed them slightly in their embrace.  
"Thank you Paddy."  
"What for?"  
"For knowing."

Paddy and Rob sat down at one of the rickety tables in the hospital cafe. Paddy looked from his coffee up to his son-in-law.   
"So are you gonna tell me what happened?" He asked gently.  
"What do you mean?" Rob put his cup down. "My husband has HIV which is nearing AIDS and he almost died today Paddy. So that's what 'happened'." He replied in frustration.  
"I mean what happened that made you start hyperventilating in the men's bogs?" Robert leant back in his chair, running his hands down over his face.  
"We argued."   
"So? When don't you?" Paddy jested.  
"I just....he doesn't need that."  
"Remember what I said Rob. We should be able to tell people exactly how we're feeling." Rob nodded. "Aaron needs to know when you're angry and upset because you need his help as much as he needs yours." Paddy took a swig of his coffee. "I'm not sure what I'm doing half the time either, believe me, but what I do know is that talking helps."  
"What happens if they can't stop the progression of the virus Paddy? What happens if this illness turns into a death sentence for him? What then?"  
"We aren't there yet. I hope we never will be there. This was just a blip Robert. A big blip I'll admit but he'll get past it. The doctors say they just need to sort out his medication that's all." Rob nodded again. "Just a couple of weeks in here and then you can start your lives again..."  
"What?! Two more weeks. In here. No. Not again. That's what made him lose control last time."  
"Last time he'd just found out. It's different this time. They can just focus on finding what works for hi..."  
"No!" Rob sprang from his seat bringing his fists down hard on the table.  
"Robert." Paddy looked slightly fearful of him. "Sit down. Let's talk about it."  
"No Paddy. I'm sorry. I'm going." Rob started to walk off.  
"Wait. Robert. Going where?" He received no reply. "Robert?! Going where?!"


	21. Hope

Paddy went to Aaron's room. "Hiya mate."  
"Alright Paddy?" Aaron greeted. He was met with a worried look from Paddy. "What is it?"  
"Aaron I need to tell you something." Aaron's heart sank in anticipation. "I found Robert. He was struggling."  
"What do you mean?" Aaron asked, visibly concerned.  
"He was having a panic attack. We talked and he seemed alright but then he suddenly flipped out and...."  
"And what Paddy?"  
"He said he had to go. He wouldn't tell me where. I'm worried about him Aaron. He was in a real state." Aaron was scared. Where could his husband have gone? He thought hard.  
"What did you two talk about?"  
"About you being in here and about how he was feeling."  
"What made him lose it?"  
"When I told him the doctors said you needed to stay in for a couple of weeks." Aaron sighed.  
"I knew he was upset but I had no idea how bad he was." He leaned forward. "You really don't have any idea where he might've gone?" Paddy shook his head. "I just hope he doesn't do something stupid. I'll try calling him."

Rob's phone rang and he just turned it off and chucked it down, returning to what he was doing. He had to make Aaron see their amazing future. He needed Aaron with him forever. He finished filling out all the paperwork and then headed upstairs to clear up the mess he'd made in his hurry to get his husband help. The soup bowl and mugs of tea were empty on the floor where they'd fallen from the tray. He picked them up and scrubbed at the carpet with a cloth to try and get rid of as much of the stain he could. All the time Aaron was in his mind. How he'd let him down. How he should've seen the warning signs. How he couldn't sit by and watch him having to spend another lifetime in hospital. Rob stood putting the bowl and mugs down on top of the chest of drawers. He saw the picture that had fallen. He picked it up. The glass of the frame was completely smashed. Rob removed the picture and stared at it; he and Aaron in their wedding suits, love in their eyes, so happy. He discarded the broken frame in the bin and then took the other things downstairs. The doorbell rang.

"So I understand you and your husband are looking to adopt."  
"Yes."  
"May I ask why you've decided to adopt?"  
"My husband had a tough childhood. He wants to give a child a better one."  
"And what about you?"  
"The same I guess." The woman sat there waiting for him to elaborate. Rob sighed. "My real mum died before I was one. The woman I knew as my mother from then on died when I was fourteen. I know what it's like to feel like you're alone or that your some kind of curse. I would hate for another child to ever have to go through that." She smiled and nodded at him.  
"Okay." She pulled a folder from her bag. "I've got some more questions."  
"Should I put the kettle on?"  
"That would be nice thank you." Rob went to the kitchen. He just hoped he was doing the right thing.


	22. Ruin Everything

“Where the hell have you been? Paddy told me what happened. I was worried sick Rob.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Yeah, as always.” Aaron said sharply. He took a deep breath and calmed himself. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that.” Rob shrugged sadly. “Are you okay?” His husband came to him and sat on the edge of the bed.  
“I’m better now.” He took Aaron’s hand. “I just….got scared. I shouldn’t have run off. I just needed some time to…..sort some stuff out.” Aaron reached his spare hand up and stroked Rob’s face. Rob leant into it.  
“Well I guess we’re even now.”  
“How do you mean?”  
“Well I scared you half to death and now you’ve done the same to me.” Rob nodded in recognition. “I was scared what you might do.” Aaron said softly.  
“I’m sorry.” Robert stood up and pulled a piece of paper from his pocket, handing it to the other man.  
“What’s this?” Aaron asked as he glanced over the paper.  
“Paperwork for the adoption agency.”  
“What?!”  
“I’ve filled mine in. I had a meeting with the woman earlier she s…”  
“Rob what are you doing?”  
“What do you mean what am I doing? We both agreed we wanted a child.”  
“Yes before all this. Before I almost died and ended up back in here.”  
“But…”  
“This won’t work mate.” He looked straight into his husband’s eyes. “I want this so bad. You know I do. But it wouldn’t be fair to put a kid through this. I told you that.” Rob slowly nodded his head. Suddenly he snatched the paper back off Aaron and ripped it up throwing it at the ground as he stormed out.  
“Rob! Robert!”

“Aaron. Where do you think you’re going?” Chas asked urgently as she walked in on her son pulling a hoodie, standing beside the bed.  
“I’ve got to find him. He shouldn’t be on his own like this.” He coughed and half fell so that he was forced to put brace himself with a hand on the bed. Chas rushed to his side rubbing his back.  
“Get back in bed.” She ordered.  
“No.”  
“Come on.”  
“No mum! I have to find him.” He freed himself from her grip.  
“Find who?”  
“Robert!” He headed for the door but Chas stepped in front of him, blocking his escape. “Move. Mum. Please.” He begged, unable to look at his mother.  
“You’re really ill love. You need to get back in bed. I’ll go find Robert. Okay?” Aaron finally looked up at her and burst into tears. He almost collapsed again but Chas caught him in her arms. “Oh love. It’s okay.” She soothed.  
“What’s wrong with me mum?”  
“You know what’s wrong love.”  
“No I don’t mean the HIV. I mean me. I always ruin everything.” Chas pulled back to look at her son.  
“What? Don’t you ever think that. You are the best thing that ever happened to me son. I love you so much. We all do.”  
“Why? I’m cursed.”  
“What’s suddenly brought this on? Did Rob say something?”  
“No. I did.” He pulled himself back over to the bed and Chas followed, sitting beside her son. She kept her eyes on him as he spoke. “Before I got bad again……..we were talking about….adopting a kid.” Chas looked genuinely surprised. “But now…..it’s just not possible. How could I put a child through all this?” She took Aaron’s hands in her own.  
“Love. This is just a bump in the road. When the doctors sort out your medication, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to live a normal life. This shouldn’t stop you doing or being anything you want to.” She wiped a tear from Aaron’s cheek. “If you want to be a father…..then you do it. Whatever you want to do Aaron, I’m here to help you. I just want to see you happy.”  
“So do I.” Aaron rubbed his face. “I’ve just messed everything up mum.”  
“How?”  
“I shouted at Rob. I pretty much said he should forget about us ever having children. He’s in a really bad place. He had a panic attack yesterday. Paddy found him. He was a mess. Still is. I’ve just gone and made it so much worse.” Chas leaned in and hugged her son.  
“I’ll find him. I promise you.” She assured. “You get back in bed. I’ll find him and bring him back here. Don’t you worry about a thing.” She helped him to lie back down and pulled the sheets up over him, kissed his forehead and then left to find her son-in-law.


	23. War

Rob saw his mother-in-law approaching. “Go away Chas.” He spoke weakly. Chas ignored him and proceeded to cautiously sit down next to him. Rob had the photo of his and Aaron’s wedding day from the broken frame clasped tightly in his hands. He stared at it.  
“Aaron told me you were upset. Why don’t you come back inside?” He shook his head in response. “Please Robert. He’s really worried about you. At this rate he’s gonna make himself more sick.”  
“I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know what he wants.” He shoved the photo back in his pocket.  
“He wants you.” She said softly. Robert turned to her.  
“I keep making everything worse. I give him what I think he wants and I’m always wrong. I can’t keep doing it Chas. I’m gonna end up really hurting him.”  
“And how would you do that?” Robert just shook his head, looking back to the ground. “You want a kid?” He looked straight back at her, surprised that Aaron had shared that with her. He didn’t say anything. “Aaron never said he didn’t as well Rob. Just….not right now.”  
“It’s not just that. It’s……everything. I try to help him because I think he needs it but he doesn’t. I do something big because I think he wants it and he doesn’t. I think he’s fine….and he isn’t.”  
“I know it’s difficult love but we just have to….ride it ou….”  
“Ride it out!” He interrupted, springing to his feet. “I hate that phrase. That’s what Aaron used to always say. It’s ignorant. This isn’t a bloody ride it’s a war!” Rob’s anger was burning. He could feel the frustration building. He took a deep breath and let his body sink with hopelessness. “A war Chas. And we’re losing.” And with that, he turned and walked away.  
“Robert Sugden don’t you dare walk away from me! Robert!” But he was gone ‘round the corner and Chas didn’t have the energy to follow. She just sat there and started to cry at having no idea how to help her son in the way he most needed.


	24. Leave!

Robert just walked. In his head he felt like a waste of space. He knew he was. Aaron was the thing he cared most about in the world and he was just letting him down again. It brought back memories. Memories he thought he'd buried forever. 

Rob kept hearing his dad in his mind saying "What would your mother say if she saw you now?" and "You're disgusting." and "Leave!". Over and over again, the same phrases on repeat. He walked faster trying to shake the thoughts. It was raining, getting harder and harder, but he either didn't notice or didn't care. 

After a long while he came to an alleyway. Robert walked down it. It was thin. There were dustbins all along it and doors exiting from the backs of what he assumed must be restaurants although he'd been too in his own world to notice himself pass any. Finally, in the shadows and alone, he let the tears fall. He could feel himself falling apart. Rob had never been one to show emotion - not real emotion anyway. He'd been taught a long time ago that a real man didn't cry - that a real man felt no pain. Only now he knew that wasn't true. His heart was breaking and he could feel every crack as it did. Rob yelled, trying to release some pent up anger and frustration. Suddenly something in him snapped and he punched the wall so hard it made him shriek out in pain. He stared at his hand as it trembled in the aftermath of the impact. It was bleeding and his knuckles were badly grazed......but he felt nothing.

He heard a noise behind him and turned quickly to see a young man stepping out into the alley from one of the doors. The man kept his eyes fixed on Rob as he spoke.  
"I'm sorry. Are you okay?" He seemed nervous. "It's just I heard someone shout and I thought maybe...." The man must've noticed Rob crying at this moment. "Are you okay?" He asked again, concern evident in his voice.  
"I'm fine." Robert dropped his hand back down to his side. They stood in awkward silence for a minute. Then the man started to approach Rob.  
"My name's Jay." He cautiously extended a hand to the crying, shaking stranger he had just found.  
"Robert." He got in reply as Rob shook the offered hand. Then realising he'd shook with his bad hand he quickly withdrew hiding it with his other hand down at his front.  
"Let me see." Jay said gently. He was a fresh faced guy who could only have been in his early twenties. His black trousers, white shirt and black bow tie did something to suggest that he was a waiter for one of the adjoining restaurants. He lifted his hand to uncover Rob's injury and looked shocked when he saw it. "How did you do that?" Rob didn't see any point in lying. Not now.  
"I hit a wall." He pointed at the wall beside him. "That one to be precise."  
"Tough day was it? Believe me I know the feeling."  
"Oh I don't think you do." Rob dropped his eyes to the floor.  
"I know I'm a stranger and frankly you might think I'm a complete weirdo for asking but, you wanna talk about it?" Robert looked up into the Jay's face. He looked kind.  
"I've just been having a rough time lately." He said honestly. Jay looked at him to continue. Rob took a deep breath. "Someone I'm close to....someone I love very much....they're very ill."  
"I'm very sorry to hear that. You're wife?" Rob looked at him confused as to why he'd make that assumption. Jay gestured towards Robert's wedding ring in explanation.  
"Husband actually."  
"What you're gay? Really?" He sounded genuinely shocked. "Sorry it's just....I would never have guessed."  
"Why you got a problem with it?" Rob said accusingly which just made Jay laugh.  
"No mate I don't have a problem with it. I'm gay too." Rob smirked at his own ability to jump to completely the wrong conclusion.  
"Sorry." Rob apologised. "It's just been..."  
"A long day. Don't worry I understand." They nodded at each other. "So why are you here, punching walls instead of with your husband?"  
"Because I made a complete idiot of myself. I'm a mess. He doesn't need that right now."  
"I'm sure he needs you." Rob just looked at him, marvelling at his youthful wisdom. "I tell you what, I've finished for the day, why don't we go and get a coffee?"  
"Why would you want to do that? You literally met me five minutes ago and just before that you heard me yelling at myself and punching anything that wouldn't punch back."  
"Because I've been there." Jay never took his eyes from Rob. "Come on. Let's go talk."


	25. No Shouting

"So.....if you don't mind me asking how ill is he?" Jay asked and then took a sip of his coffee.  
"Pretty ill." Rob shifted in his seat and met the other man's eyes. "He has HIV. It was caught really late. The doctors said if he'd come in even a day later it would have become AIDS."  
"God, I'm sorry." Rob nodded.  
"Aaron's dealing with it. He's doing really well mostly. Me on the other hand..."  
"Hey. You're there for him. You're doing great."  
"I hate seeing him like this. He's such a strong person and now....I just wish I could do more." Robert took a swig of his coffee. "Earlier.....you said you'd been there. What did you mean?"  
"When I came out....my dad...he didn't take it well. He said he didn't want to know me anymore. It made me so angry. I hit a wall a few times as well." He smiled at Rob. "It'll be alright to Robert. If that experience has taught me anything it's that one crap day makes the good ones seem even better. And there will be better days ahead. I'm in no way trying to compare me coming out and your husband's serious illness, I'm just saying that you're allowed to get frustrated."  
"I just don't know what to do Jay."  
"Do you really love him?"  
"Yes." Rob said without hesitation. "More than I have ever loved anyone."  
"Then you know what to do."

"Robert! I've been so worried. Come here." Aaron extended a hand to his husband. Rob walked to him, taking his hand and sitting on the edge of the bed. "I was a complete idiot Rob. I'm so sorry. I know what you did for me, for us, was a huge deal for you and I am grateful. I really am. It's a big deal for me too. I love you so much. Please don't hate me. I hurt you and I just wanna make it better. Tell me how I can make it better." He stroked his fingers through Rob's hair.  
"I just want us to stop arguing. No secrets. No shouting. No stupid surprises."  
"It wasn't stupid Robert." Aaron interrupted. "It was amazing."  
"I want you to be happy Aaron. That is all that matters to me. I promise I'll stop running out when things get a bit tough. I'm here. With you. Forever." They stared deeply into each other's eyes. Rob leaned in and kissed his husband, bringing his hand up to his face. As they pulled back, Aaron put his hand over Rob's and Rob drew it back quickly wincing in pain.  
"You okay?" Aaron asked concerned.  
"Yeah I'm fine." Rob forced a smile, hiding his injured hand.  
"No secrets." Aaron reminded. Robert nodded slowly and put his hand down on the bed so his husband could see, then looked away. "Rob." Aaron took Rob's hand, inspecting the damage. "Please tell me you didn't do this to yourself." Robert looked to him sadly. "Rob. You promised you would never blame yourself. This is really bad." Aaron looked to his husband, sorrow in his eyes. Tears welled in Aaron's eyes as he spoke. "Robert." He put a hand on Rob's shoulder. "Come here." He pulled him into a tight embrace, rocking him slightly. "I'm gonna get better and I'm gonna come home to you. I promise." He rubbed a hand on Rob's back.  
"You'd better. I don't what I'd do without you." Robert said softly.  
"The doctor says I can go home next week. Until then I expect to see you every day."  
"You can count on it."


	26. A First

"How bad is it?" Aaron asked the doctor.  
"It's fine." Rob insisted.  
"It's not at all fine actually Mr Sugden. These are some deep wounds and they look like they might be getting infected. I'll dress this now and you'll need to go on antibiotics to stop the infection." Aaron looked at Rob with 'I told you so' eyes which his husband just sighed at. "I need to go and get some things. I'll be right back." The doctor left the room at great speed. Robert noticed Aaron was looking pale and he was struggling to keep his eyes open.  
"Go back to bed Aaron. I won't be long."  
"No. I'm staying with you. I'm alright."  
"Fine but if you stop breathing on me again I will not be happy with you Aaron Dingle."

When Robert was bandaged up, he wheeled Aaron back to his room.  
On the way there they had to pass by a reception desk and they both heard someone behind them shout "Robert!". Rob turned. Jay was stood at the desk. He walked over to Rob. "I just wanted to check you got here okay. How's your hand?"  
"Yeah, it's alright. The doctor just checked it out so..."  
"Are you gonna turn me 'round so I can actually see what's going on you muppet?!" Aaron exclaimed. Rob had been so preoccupied with the shock of seeing Jay again he'd completely forgotten that Aaron had been left facing the opposite direction. He hurried to turn his husband around.  
"Hi I'm Jay. You must be Aaron." Jay reached out a hand which Aaron shook.  
"That I am. How do you know Rob sorry?"  
"Oh we met a couple of hours ago."  
"Jay came across me after I did this." Rob raised his bandaged hand. "He was very nice to me. Too nice really."  
"It was nothing. I just wanted to make sure you were alright and now I have I should probably go." Jay said.  
"I would invite you to stay but he's knackered even though he won't admit it." Rob stated. Aaron hit him in the stomach in warning.  
"It was nice to meet you Aaron. I hope you're feeling better soon."  
"Thank you." Aaron nodded.  
"Bye then." And with that Jay turned and left. Rob took hold of the wheelchair handles again, turned Aaron and started pushing.  
"He was so definitely into you." Aaron said lightly.  
"What?"  
"Yep."  
"How do you even know he's gay?"  
"Well he is isn't he?"  
"Yeah. Still."  
"Do you seriously have no gaydar at all?" Rob didn't say anything. "Anyway. Imagine. The great Robert Sugden not realising someone was checking him out. That's got a be a first." Aaron sniggered.  
"Shut up."  
"Losing your touch are you?"  
"Shut up or I'll push you down the slope." They laughed.


	27. As Much As I Love You

Aaron lay in Robert's arms on the sofa. He'd been allowed to come home the day before on the condition that he stayed on bed rest and had plenty of people around to help him. Aaron had fallen asleep while the couple watched some rubbishy game shows. Rob just watched his breathing in and out and occasionally stroked a hand through his husband's hair. "Rob?" Aaron stirred.  
"Yeah mate."  
"Do you remember the first time we met?"  
"What you been dreaming about it have you?" Aaron laughed slightly, still drowsy from sleep. "Yes of course I do. How could I forget?" Aaron looked up at him and Rob kissed him. "Besides you'd just stolen my car. That would be hard to forget in itself." They laughed and Aaron lightly punched Rob's arm. "And for the record I thought you were hot even then." Aaron blushed a little.  
"Yeah same." He returned. "When...." Aaron trailed off.  
"What?"  
"No it doesn't matter. It was a stupid question."  
"Just ask, you muppet." Aaron sighed at Rob's impatience.  
"When did you...know you loved me?" He was obviously embarrassed at his own question. Rob looked deeply into his husband's eyes.  
"The first time I kissed you." He said gently, love in his eyes. Aaron pulled himself up a little and kissed Rob. He rested his forehead on Rob's.  
"Same." They smiled at each other.  
"I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. I knew that from the very start. It's why I made such a mess of things - it scared me." He pushed a hand through Aaron's hair. "But you'll never scare me off again."

Aaron had eventually fallen asleep again. Rob hoped all the rest was helping him. At about half four Liv crashed through the front door.  
"I'm home! What's for dinner?!" She yelled. As she came into the living room, Robert put his finger to his lips and pointed to his husband. "Sorry." Liv whispered. She walked closer. "How is he?" She spoke gently.  
"Alright I think. Why don't you go and put the kettle on?" He whispered. Liv nodded and headed for the kitchen. "Aaron." Rob said softly. "Aaron mate. I think you should wake up for a bit." Aaron looked uncomfortable and rubbed his eyes a little. "You okay?"  
"Yeah." Aaron answered sleepily. Rob helped him sit up. "What time is it?"  
"Four-thirty."  
"Wow. Have I really slept that long?"  
"Yep." Rob put a hand on Aaron's shoulder. "Liv's put the kettle on. You want a brew?"  
"Please."  
"Okay. I'll be right back." Rob stood, kissed Aaron's head and went to the kitchen.

"Here we go." Rob came back into the room with two mugs of tea. He concentrated hard on the mugs so as not to spill any. "Liv's gone to Gabby's for tea. I think she must've seen there's nothing in the fridge!" He laughed a little and placed the teas down on the coffee table. "I swear that gir..." When Rob looked up, he saw Aaron crying. "Aaron?" He sat down next to him on the sofa, putting a hand on his back. "What is it? Do you not feel well? Should I take you back to the hospital? Aaron?"  
"I don't know why I'm crying. I'm home. I'm with you. I should be happy."  
"Hey. It's okay. You're not supposed to feel anything you don't. This is hard Aaron. It's okay to cry." Rob pulled him into his arms. "I love you so much."  
"I know."  
"What do you wanna do? Maybe we could go for a walk or something. It might make you feel better. Or I could call your mum. She'd probably like to see you. Or Paddy or Adam if you're sick of the sight of Chas." Aaron remained silent, sniffling over Rob's shoulder. " I could go get you a magazine or something. Or tea. Are you hungry? We could order curries." Robert rambled on. "What can I do Aaron? Just tell me what to do."  
"I just wanna be here with you."  
"Okay." Rob rocked his husband back and forth gently, thinking how to make Aaron feel better. "Do you remember on our wedding day when Paddy started sneezing 'cause of all the flowers?" He tried to turn Aaron's mind to something else.  
"Yeah."  
"And the joke knife that Adam gave us to cut the cake with?"  
"So the handle came off and the blade got stuck in the cake." Aaron joined in.  
"Yeah. And Liv wearing trainers 'cause se refused to wear anything else."  
"She never will do what she's told." The couple laughed. Aaron was starting to relax, to Rob's relief.  
"Do you wanna watch a movie? I can order those curries." Robert felt Aaron nod.  
"You choose the movie." Aaron said, pulling back and wiping his eyes with his sleeve.  
"Well you know what I'll choose."  
"What 'The Hobbit' again?"  
"Yep. I've just got this thing about it at the moment. It's really good." Rob enthused.  
"Fine." Aaron sat back and laughed at his husband as he went to fetch the DVD.


	28. Over And Over

2 months later…  
Rob walked through the rain. Alone. His heartbroken. His eyes flooded with tears. This couldn’t be happening.

His feet made no noise on the wet ground. He had to concentrate to remember to breathe in and out. The black tie around his neck felt like it was strangling him. He was too hot but he couldn’t feel his fingers for the cold. How cold Aaron must be.

He wished it was him.

Rob felt sick as he entered the graveyard. Their family were all gathered around the coffin. Chas leant on Paddy’s shoulder while Liv stood next to them, her eyes dark and empty. Robert looked up and yelled at the sky. He grabbed his head as it throbbed in pain. Vic caught him in her arms but he fell to the ground. Everything went black.

Robert woke up panting hard. He turned in panic and saw his husband lying beside him, facing the opposite direction. He pulled Aaron into his chest. “Rob?” The sleeping man mumbled. “Are you alright?”  
“I’m okay.” He kissed Aaron’s shoulder. “I love you.” Rob kissed his neck. Aaron rubbed his husband’s arm that was wrapped over him.  
“I love you too Robert.”

In the morning Rob was still jumpy from his rough night. Aaron put his arms around him from behind as Rob made breakfast but he flinched away.  
“Sorry.” He apologised, not looking at Aaron. Aaron took his hands.  
“You had the nightmare again?” Rob nodded. “I’m fine Rob. The meds are working. I’m pretty much back to normal. Try and relax.”  
“I am trying. I feel like I am relaxed. I don’t know why my mind is torturing me like this.”  
“I know.” They looked into each other’s eyes.  
“Are you working today?”  
“No. I thought I’d take the day off to work on the car.” Aaron explained, picking up his mug and taking a sip of the tea. He had finally bought his project a couple of weeks ago – a 1972 MGB Roadster (or what was left of one).  
“Oh please do. That thing’s a right pain just sitting there on the drive. The sooner you can get it working the better.”   
“I thought you were supposed to be helping me.”  
“I thought Liv was but she hasn’t either.”  
“Please Robert. It might help you.” Aaron begged.  
“Okay. Fine.” Aaron pulled Rob into him.  
“Thank you.” He whispered across Rob’s lips.  
“Seriously guys?!” Liv exclaimed as she entered the kitchen. “Just…don’t for a few minutes until I can escape.” The couple laughed at her and turned back to making breakfast.

Aaron was bent over the engine, using a spanner to loosen some bolts. Rob just stood there watching.  
“You’re staring at my arse aren’t you?” Aaron asked, a laugh in his voice.  
“No.” His husband answered unconvincingly. Aaron pulled his head out from the bonnet and picked up another spanner.  
“Here.” He offered the tool to Rob. “Hold this bolt still for me.” Robert was just staring at his face smiling. “What?”  
“You’ve got…um…come here.” Rob used his thumb to rub the oil from Aaron’s cheek.  
“See. You were made to be a dad.” Aaron hinted. Rob’s face fell.  
“Aaron, we’ve talked about this.”  
“Yes, I know. The stress could cause me to relapse again…”  
“Yes exactly!” Rob interrupted.  
“Rob, won’t you at least think about it?”  
“I have. Over and over. You are the most important thing to me Aaron and I want you to be happy but I also want you alive.”  
“I can’t live the rest of my life like I’m on some hair-trigger Rob. I’m fine so just let me be fine.” Aaron stared at his husband as he thought.  
“I don’t know, Aaron.” Rob eventually said.  
“Do you love me?”  
“Yes. You know I do.” Rob answered immediately.  
“Do you want a child?” Robert took a deep breath before he spoke.  
“Yes.”  
“Then what don’t you know?” Aaron reached for his husband’s arms.  
“When did you get so convincing?”  
“Maybe when you fell in love with me.” Aaron said making Robert smile.  
“Yeah probably.” And with that he leaned in and kissed Aaron passionately, not caring who saw – not even if it was Liv.


	29. The Chance To Be A Father

“It’s nice to see you again Mr Sugden. I have to say, I was surprised I didn’t hear back from you sooner.”  
“Yeah sorry. We had some….stuff to sort out.” Rob looked to Aaron and smiled. The office was small and everything in perfect order; it made the couple even more nervous. They both took their seats opposite the woman from the adoption agency.  
“So, did you fill out those forms?”  
“Yep.” Aaron handed them across the desk. It was lucky Robert had spares after he’d ripped up the first copy during his outburst at the hospital. She took them gratefully, looking over them briefly before putting them down on the desk in front of her. She looked up at Aaron and Robert.  
“It’s nice to meet you Mr Dingle. I heard so much about you at the last meeting. I’m Sarah.” Aaron reached across the table to shake her outstretched hand.  
“Aaron.” He returned. “So what exactly do we have to do then?” He asked, retracting his hand.  
“Well, I’ll be asking you both some more questions and then we’ll take it from there.” Both men nodded in understanding. “Right, so, first of all, do you have any children already?” She looked to Rob to explain. “I know I asked this last time but there are some questions I’ll have to repeat now you’re both here.”  
“That’s fine.” Rob replied.  
“No other children, no.” Aaron answered. “We do have some experience though. My younger sister has been living with us for quite a while now.”  
“How old is she?”  
“Fifteen.”  
“Yeah teenagers can be difficult.” Sarah agreed. “I’ve got one myself.” She smiled knowingly at them. “What does she think about you adopting? I assume you have spoken to her about it.”  
“We couldn’t keep Liv out of the loop even if we wanted to!” Aaron joked. “She’s happy for us.”  
“Good.” She looked down at her list of questions. “Are you both healthy?” It was a question Aaron – both of them – had been dreading. Neither of them knew what Aaron’s diagnosis would mean in the world of adoption and they feared the answer.  
“Actually. Not exactly. No.” Aaron said reluctantly. Sarah looked to him to continue. “Five months ago, I was diagnosed with HIV. It was quite bad when they caught it and it’s been a bumpy road to get to where I am. The doctors have sorted my meds and I know how to deal with it now so….”  
“I won’t lie to you, a long term illness like HIV is a concern to us when considering you as adoptive parents.”  
“But he’s much better and people with HIV live normal lives nowadays.” Rob stated, worried by her answer.  
“It’s by no means the absolute be all and end all. It’s just that we’ll have to take more care when investigating your application.” She tried to sound encouraging. Rob took Aaron’s hand under the desk and gave it a squeeze. “Let’s continue with the questions shall we?”

There were there for another couple of hours, answering question after question and signing paper after paper. At the end Sarah told them they would be contacted in the next couple of days with the results on their eligibility for adoption. First background checks had to be run and the couple’s ‘specialist’ case had to be taken to a board of official agency people. Sarah sounded optimistic though, explaining that, with all the other positive aspects of their case, they weren’t out of the running yet.

“Rob?” Aaron whispered and Robert rolled over to face him on the bed.  
“Yes mate.”  
“What if we can’t adopt because of me?”  
“Try not to worry. I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”  
“Seriously though. I’d feel terrible if I deprived you of the chance to be a father just because of this bloody illness that’s probably all my fault anyway.” Robert heard a slight crack of emotion in his husband’s voice. He reached out a hand and placed it on Aaron’s cheek, stroking his cheekbone with his thumb.  
“Hey.” Rob soothed. “This is not your fault Aaron. We’ve been through this before. No matter how many precautions you take, there’s always the risk…”  
“I know that Rob, but the fact is it happened to me.” Aaron interrupted. “If we can’t have a child because of this…..I’d never forgive myself.”  
“Hey.” Rob said more sharply. “Now you stop that right now. This is not your fault. Never has been. Never will be. We are going to have a kid Aaron – if not this way then another way. I love you Aaron and I’m with you because I wanna be. Please don’t think this is your fault because it’s not.” He paused for a moment. “You’re perfect to me.” Aaron looked into his eyes. He leaned forward and kissed Robert.  
After Aaron rested his forehead on Rob’s and whispered, “Right back at ya.”


	30. Tears Of Happiness

The next couple of days were torture. Rob checked his emails every thirty seconds and every day when the postman came he got the fright of his life when Aaron burst thought the door to take the letters from him. It had been three days but it felt like a lifetime. “Maybe I should ring the agency.” Rob suggested.  
“No. We don’t want to seem weird.”  
“I think it’s a bit late for that. They’ve done background checks on us.” The pair laughed. “No your right, I’m probably just being paranoid.” At that moment the phone rang. Rob rushed to answer it. “Hello? Hi Sarah….yeah…I’ll just put you on speaker phone.” He tapped the screen and put the phone down on the coffee table. They both sat down on the sofa in front of it.  
“Can you hear me?” Sarah asked.  
“Yep.”  
“Right so….it’s good news.” They both took a deep sigh of relief. “The board spoke to your doctors and have decided that as long as you keep to your treatment then your illness shouldn’t stop you adopting.”  
“Thank you. Thank you so much.” Rob said enthusiastically, taking Aaron’s hand in his. Aaron wanted to cry he was so happy. “So what now?”  
“A social worker will be sent ‘round to your house in the next week to view your living arrangements and make sure they are suitable for a child.”  
“Okay.”  
“I’ll be in touch tomorrow to arrange a meeting with you two.”  
“Thank you Sarah.” Aaron said.  
“You’re very welcome. Speak to you soon.”  
“Bye.” The couple said in unison. They looked to each other and fell into each other’s arms. They held their embrace so tightly as they both fought back tears of happiness.  
“Your mum is gonna freak out.” Rob pointed out. They both laughed.  
“This is crazy.”  
“Yeah I know.” Rob pulled back to look in his husband’s eyes. “We’re gonna be parents Aaron.”  
“Don’t get too ahead of yourself Rob, we’re not fully approved yet.”  
“I know but what else can go wrong now? I think we’ve had all the bad luck we’re gonna get.”   
“Yeah, I hope so.”  
“Just let yourself be excited Aaron.” Aaron smiled at Rob widely.  
“Yeah I think I can manage that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to give you guys some warning, I'm starting to round things off with this fanfic. I just don't feel there is anywhere else I can go with it other than killing Aaron off which no-one wants! Thanks so much for your continued support, I really appreciate everyone who reads and thank you to those of you who take the time to comment or leave kudos. I read everyone's comments and try to reply as well. Thank you again :)


	31. Brew?

The woman who came to see the house was a stone faced lady who only spoke when absolutely necessary. It made Aaron and Robert very uneasy as she looked around the different rooms. They just hoped they hadn’t missed anything. Robert had spent all morning moving anything that could be the slightest bit harmful, up to the top cabinets. He’d put locks on some cupboards and made sure there were no loose wires or switches left turned on. They had both followed the guidance on the adoption website to the finest detail but as the social worker looked around, their hearts pounded and every time she noted something down, they forgot to breath for just a second.

When she’d finished she filled out some forms, still almost entirely silent, then thanked them and left. The couple didn’t know what to think. It was hard to make out whether it had gone well or not. Aaron turned to Robert. “So what now?” Rob shrugged in response. “Brew?”

Waiting around for the phone to ring, or anything at all, was killing them so they both decided to head to the scrapyard. Rob made phone calls in the portacabin while Aaron pulled a burnt out car apart.   
“Eh up. What you doing here?!” Adam called to his mate as he rounded the corner into the scrapyard. “Thought you’d finally do some work did you?”  
“Just couldn’t be stuck in that house any longer.”  
“You’re not sick again are you?” Adam asked, concerned.  
“No Adam. I’m fine.” Aaron smiled at him. “Come on, help me with this.”

“Vic!” Rob called into his sister’s house. “Vic!”  
“Flamin’ heck, give us a minute Mr Impatient!” Vic yelled back, coming down the stairs. “What you doing here anyway?”  
“Can’t I just wanna see my sister?” He hugged her.  
“Come through, I’ll put the kettle on.” Rob followed Vic to the kitchen and leaned up against the counter. “The social worker came today didn’t she?”  
“Yep.”  
“And?....”  
“I don’t know. She didn’t tell us anything. We just have to wait.”  
“Right. And how’s that going?” She jested, making Rob laugh.  
“Not very well. I’m so on edge.”  
“Try not to worry.”  
“Yeah, I know.”  
“Hey. I just remembered, I got you something.” Vic went out of the room and came back with a small plastic bag, handing it to Rob. He just held it in his hands. “Well open it then, you muppet.” Rob smiled at her and pulled the contents out of the bag. There was one blue baby grow and another pink one. Rob stared at them. “I know you’re not officially okayed yet but….I saw them and thought….Look I know you might not even get a baby, you might get a child who’s older or whatever, but it’s kinda…..symbolic.” Vic cringed at herself. “It’s really stupid isn’t it. Just ignore it, I’ll take them back.”  
“Shut up.” He interrupted. “They’re beautiful. Thank you.” Rob hugged her tight and smiled over her shoulder.  
“You’re gonna be a great dad Rob. I know you are.”

Aaron looked ‘round the door of Liv’s bedroom. She was sat on her bed, laughing at something on her phone. Liv looked up and caught sight of her brother. She grabbed her chest.  
“Flippin’ ‘eck Aaron. Don’t do that!” Then she smiled at him. “You alright?”  
“Yeah. Just wanted to check you were too.”  
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”  
“Dunno, It’s just……..I know you said you were alright with us adopting but…..are you really?”  
“Yeah.” She patted the bed, indicating for Aaron to join her. “When you got sick…..I thought it was the end. I know that sounds grim but it’s what I thought. I’m just so glad that all that you’ve gone through this year, that it didn’t ruin you – that you can still have a future. And I know Rob’s really happy about it too. You guys will be really good parents. I’m so proud of you Aaron.” He smiled at his sister and drew her into a hug.  
“Thanks Liv. You’re amazing.”  
“Yeah, I know.” She joked over his shoulder, making them both laugh.

The next morning, Rob and Aaron came downstairs late. What with all their worrying they’d managed a very long lye-in and it was nearly twelve when they finally ventured down to the kitchen.  
“Oh my God!” Aaron exclaimed as he reached the bottom step.  
“What? What is it?” Rob asked urgently.  
“The post.” Aaron looked back to Rob, then he went and picked up the letters from the floor by the door. He flicked through them quickly, stopping when he came to a particular one that caught his eye. He turned to Rob again, a look of fear on his face. “It’s from the agency.”  
“Well open it then.” Rob urged. His husband did so, ripping it open as fast as he could. Aaron unfolded the paper and read through it. Suddenly he looked up at Rob. “Well?”  
“’Congratulations on your acceptance into the agency. We hope to find you a suitable child soon.’” Rob’s face dropped in shock.   
“Yes!” He exclaimed, launching himself into the arms of his husband. “I love you so much.”  
“I love you too.” Rob pulled back but kept hold of Aaron’s shoulders as he beamed at him.   
“I can’t believe it. This is actually happening.” He stared into his husband’s eyes. Then he remembered something. “Wait here a second.” He left Aaron by the door and went to retrieve something. He returned quickly and handed the baby grows to Aaron. “Vic got them for us.”  
“They’re beautiful.”  
“That’s what I said. Beautiful. Just like our baby’s gonna be.”


	32. Their Future

The anniversary of Aaron’s diagnosis…  
“Where did you put the bag Aaron!” Rob called down the stairs to his husband.  
“By the bed!”  
“It’s not there!”  
“In the nursery then!” Aaron was panicking as he prepared to leave for the agency. “It’s really not that important Rob! We can manage without it! Let’s just go!” Suddenly Rob came running down the stairs, missing every second step.  
“Found it.” He gestured to the bag slung over his arm as he fought to put his jacket on.   
“Try not to panic Rob.”  
“You can talk, you’re just as nervous as me.”  
“We’ve got plenty of time.”  
“I know. I just don’t want to be late.”  
“Well I’m ready so let’s go.”

As they drove to Leeds, the couple occasionally caught each other’s eye and smiled brightly. The drive felt longer than normal. Eventually they arrived, parked and then walked hand in hand to the agency, a burning excitement taking over them.

“You guys ready?” Sarah asked before she opened the door. “She’s just in this room. We’ll give you some time with her and then you’ll need to sign some papers.” Aaron and Robert nodded urgently. Then she pushed the door open. The door to their future. The future they’d longed to have for months. They stepped inside and their hearts melted with love.


	33. Miracle

Another social worker was sat on an arm chair in the corner of the room holding a tiny baby girl in her arms. The couple walked slowly over to her trying not to disturb the baby. “Can we hold her?” Aaron asked softly.  
“Of course you can.” Sarah replied from behind them. The other woman cautiously stood up allowing Aaron to take her place in the chair. Then she gently manoeuvred the infant into his arms. Aaron stared down at the baby. Her eyes were bright blue yet her hair (or the little tuft that there was of it anyway) was dark. She was beautiful. A tear began to roll down Aaron’s cheek and he looked up at his husband who was also welling up in happiness. “I can’t believe it Rob – she’s really going to be ours.” Robert smiled and went around beside Aaron, sitting down on the arm of the chair and putting an arm around his husband. With his free hand, Rob reached over to stroke the baby’s cheek. She made a slight gurgling noise as he did so and it made the couple beam at her.  
“She’s so perfect.” Rob whispered. “There’s no question – she’s coming home with us.”  
“Agreed.”

They were at the agency for a couple of hours. They signed some papers and then they were told they could leave. Aaron walked so slowly back to the car carrying their baby daughter in the car seat they’d bought for her. Rob had his arm around Aaron and didn’t stop looking at her all the way. He sat in the back of the car with the baby while Aaron drove (at a snail’s pace) back home. “This is the scariest drive I’ve ever had to make.”  
“I know what you mean.” Rob returned allowing her to hold his finger. “I think the name we decided on fits her exactly you know.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah. I can’t wait to get her home.”

Rob carried their daughter so carefully up to her bedroom. Aaron flicked on the switch as they entered the nursery. Rob walked to the middle of the room, still staring down at his daughter, and Aaron joined him, placing a hand on his husband’s shoulders.  
“So little one this is your room. I hope you like it.” Aaron leant down and pressed a soft kiss to her tiny forehead. “All that we’ve been through Rob…..if it means that we get her….then I wouldn’t have had it any other way.”  
“I love you Aaron.”  
“I love you too.” They leant in and kissed each other as the baby wiggled a little in her father’s arms.  
“She’s home?” Liv whispered from the doorway.  
“Yep. You can come in.” Rob said.  
“Oh, she’s beautiful.” Liv cooed, stroking the baby’s cheek with a single finger. “What’s her name?”  
“Mirielle.” Aaron answered.  
“That’s pretty.”  
“It means miracle. We thought it fitted.” Rob explained.  
“Well she sure is a miracle all right.” Liv looked up at Aaron and Robert. “I’m so happy for you both.” She turned her eyes back to the baby again. “You know you’re a very lucky little girl Mirielle because you’ve got the best daddies in the world.” Aaron smiled at his sister and wrapped his arms around her and Rob, being careful not to squash Mirielle in the middle. This was their family now. No matter what life threw at them – they’d been through enough already to know that nothing – not a single thing – would ever tear them apart.


End file.
